Autism Research/Changing My Direction

I have happily decided to change my major to child and family development so that I can eventually get my master's in autism research. I am so thrilled with my decision and cannot wait to get my general education classes finished so that I can move on to my core requirements.

I know that there is now a new statistic that every one in 91, that's 1% of children are diagnosed with autism and I feel that it will continue to increase. Therefore, the need for more research will be necessary not only now but in the future. It will be an exciting field to be in and I want to be part of it.

I just read online/in the news that Obama approved 60 million dollars towards autism research which is very encouraging. There is so little known about it and in so many different aspects of it that it will be an ongoing effort in order to solve the puzzle and to get what these children (and adults) what they need the most. It is especially important that the adults get what they need because so many do not even have an advocate to help them along in life. It is a shame that they need to go to group homes or assisted living which, I believe, compromises their need to be more independent.

I shall get off my soapbox for now but I must make you aware that I will be writing more and more about this as time goes on.

Griffin's Godmother

Things are going just fine now that I do not have the sources of stress that I did have. I have caught a member of my family in two and most likely three lies and there will never be trust again. Then she tried to manipulate me into making her the sole guardian of Griffin after I had chosen someone else whom I trust implicitly and love dearly. But that's not going to happen, I am keeping the same person as Griffin's Godmother and nobody is going to change my mind....Period!

Griffin adores her and balls his eyes out when we have to leave her house, I love the interaction between them, the love is obviously mutual. I feel good about it and have no doubt in my mind that it is a sound choice. I don't care what anyone else thinks or feels about it and they can be as judgmental as they want to be but it makes no difference to me. When he is with her he just beams and runs around with glee.

If and when I leave this body then I will feel safe that my child is in the best hands that he possibly can be and that he will continue to have an advocate and a lot of love and patience in his life.

Stomach/Anxiety Problems

I have had stomach issues that have progressively gotten worse over time, to the point of vomiting pure acid. I had to sleep in a chair Saturday night so that I wouldn't get sick. I had so much anxiety that I couldn't sleep and had to take my prescribed dosage of 2 Attivan for sleep.

I have been stressed over my family and the fact that they have been talking behind my back and that I have been accused of doing things that I would never ever do, not in this lifetime! Ever since getting out of the hospital it has been nothing but one stressful situation after another with them. If not for that then I would be just fine and have nothing to worry about although I will be absolutely broke in the month of October. I usually don't stress over things like money and this is no exception because I know that it will all work out. However, when people talk about me especially when I am not around to defend myself and in the hospital, THAT bothers me!!!! And to add fuel to the fire, it was highly suggested that I not hang out with my friends, the ones who helped me when my family wouldn't, the ones who I grew up with right after I got out of the hospital. So there is the proof that things are being said about me and it was decided that I shouldn't have anything to do with this family of friends....of course that was "not" a source of stress either LOL!

I am not a child and Griffin and I are doing fine on our own, we did it for 5 years in Anchorage and we can do it again. At least up there I wasn't having stress related physical problems. I came here to have support but I will not accept help conditionally and be treated as though I have no wits about myself and cannot make sound decisions on my own.

I am just going to steer clear of everyone in my family and refuse any help in October, I will get by without them one way or the other. I may have to pawn something but I will get by. At least we do have food stamps (some but not a whole lot) and if I go to the discount grocery then I think that I can make our food stretch. The only catch is that Griffin will only eat certain foods and they do not always have those foods. I'll figure it out.

I was supposed to have an endoscopy today but didn't have a ride home and I sure do need to have it done. Something is terribly wrong and it is just getting worse. My Attivan only works when I take 2 at night, during the day when I only take one it doesn't give me any relief and tends to hurt my stomach.

Griffin's School Performance

This is Griffin with his familiar smiley face as he sits and waits for his school musical performance. I wanted to put a video on here but it was too long to be uploaded. Griffin didn't sing but the whole time the other kids were singing he danced. The crowd loved it and especially at the end of each song they would clap and Griffin would take a bow. He is so darn adorable people just can't help but love him.

Griffin's teacher brags that she and the classmates just adore him, that he is quite popular. Tuesday I took "Chucky Sue" the Chinese Dwarf Hamster, to show & tell and Griffin answered questions as the children would raise their hands and he would choose who to call on. The interaction was incredible and it was the first time that I had seen him socialize in such a manner. He seemed quite proud of himself and the fact that his mom and his pet were there and that the kids were so thrilled to see the hamster.

I am so glad that we moved and that he is in such a wonderful school/classroom. He has progressed in leaps and bounds. I am also glad that I stopped home schooling him so that he could have the opportunity to socialize and be around his peers. I feel that for any child this is essential. Otherwise how could they know when they grow older what to do in social situations? It is especially crucial for autistic children to do this because they do and possibly will always be delayed socially.

Each night I give thanks and tears come to my eyes when I think how far he has come and how bittersweet that he is growing and developing so fast.....we have come a long way. I have a collage that I made of his younger years and look at it each day and can't help but to smile and remember how much joy he has brought to me and how much I have learned along the way...from him.

Please Pray for Our Friends

My dear friends at Autism Schmatism are having a tough time as they have had a death in the family. So please visit the blog and give your support and let them know that you care. We love them dearly, they are so beautiful and loving. Please pray for them.

Feeling Better about Life

I am over it now and life goes on. I have returned to being grateful for the friends that I do have and especially for my little, not so little, guy. Griffin helps me to live in the present and I love that,so things are going well and I am not going to complain....not for awhile at least LOL!

Mental Illness and the Lack of Concern

It always amazes me how people dismiss mental illness issues as opposed to physical injuries. I have had so little support and not even heard from those whom I thought were very dear friends to me. THAT HURTS LIKE HELL! Even my own mother didn't call to see how I was doing! Damn good thing that I am not suicidal because it would be a good time to check out.

As if it is not hard enough to get through all this and raise an autistic child then I don't even have the support that I need to feel like anybody gives a damn. I now have 2 people who are here that call to check on me and I truly appreciate that. Had to stop talking to my sister because all she would do is minimize my issues and trigger me to no end. I do have friends who call from afar and e-mail me to see how things are going and to show their concern.

It sucks to have a mental illness and how people treat me as if I had some kind of disease that they would die from if they contacted me. Thanks a lot people! Having horrible attacks of anxiety every day that are debilitating isn't enough, it is HELL to feel like I am hardly cared for and loved. My anxiety meds don't work for me and I am on the max dose. So now my PTSD is full blown and I can't get it under control. Sure wish that I was not treated that way too bad I wasn't in a car accident, I would have had flowers and everything!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I am a Blessed Individual, I am Grateful for All that I have

Griffin will be taking O.T., P.T., and Speech this year (privately). We are also working on getting him back into O.T. swimming because where he goes for therapy has a pool! Unfortunately, I am going to have to stop the horseback riding. It is just too far away and even though we got a scholarship the money is just not there, sad to say. Maybe next season we can start all over again.

Griffin is still doing great in school! The only obstacle that we have right now is that he won't eat. He refuses breakfast, then takes his Focalin XR then he won't eat his lunch either. For dinner he still does not have an appetite and only wants one carb, like fries, mac & cheese, or bread. I wish that I could afford to get him some vitamins. The challenge there is too that it is hard to find one that he will actually take. I have wasted so much money on trying out vitamins for him. The doctor suggested that he take the gummy kind so when I have some money, in about 2 months, I can get him some.

Finances are very very poor this month, I frankly do not know how we are going to make it through. I hope that we have enough food and gas. Since I have therapy now, about 4o miles away, and Griffin has therapy plus doctor's appointments each week I have to be super careful with how much I drive. I just give thanks each day for what we have and have faith and a positive attitude that the universe will work it all out for us. I hate it when people say "it could be worse" because that just minimizes what we are going through. I wish that they would just be positive and say something like, "you are a blessed person" thus reminding me that we do have a lot to be grateful for.

I have learned throughout the years of therapy that validation is so important for someone who is going through a crisis and for someone to minimize just adds salt to the wound. It is not the way to support someone and show them that you really care and that you are trying to understand what they are going through. For me, my crisis and challenges are real and just because there are people out there who have their own challenges doesn't make a difference to me because it is my life that I am living not theirs. Giving someone positive support is the way to go and I am not one to complain either so I consider myself to be a positive-forward thinking person. So just an FYI for those of you who might slip and say that to someone, try to think before you speak and show some LOVE!

What an Adventure Life is

Just got out of the hospital. Had a horrible manic attack and had to be taken by ambulance to the hospital where they admitted me. My pulse was 140 and they had to give me two Attivan to get it down.

No need for details, I have already e-mailed the people whom I wish to know about them. But I met some really cool girls on that floor, some whom I will always keep in touch with and will never forget.

They told me that the tough part is not going through the stay there but once I got home it would be worse and boy was that the truth. I had an anxiety attack my first night home and couldn't sleep for hours, woke at 4:00 then decided to take more meds to help me sleep just a little bit longer and well, it lasted way longer than that. I woke when Griffin did but couldn't stay awake all day. So, I am here to confess that I was "out of it" for a couple of hours while he was awake. I hate it but it is the truth.

I have an appt. to see a psychiatrist on Monday so that I can be sure that my meds are still working okay and that I will for sure get new prescriptions for next month. I am very relieved by that.

Had to drop my classes for this month because my books won't be here until tomorrow. That is a bummer because I was looking forward to having enough to keep me occupied while Griffin is in school. Not to worry though because I can start at the first of next month. In the meantime I will just start reading my text books.

Griffin did really well going from one house to the other while I was away, they all said that he had lots of fun. So that helps me to handle the fact that I missed him so badly. My sister even brought him in to visit me once and boy did that help me get through the rest of my stay there. Although I cried plenty, I got over it more quickly because I got to see his big smile and have lots of hugs.

Everything is Going Great !

Griffin had his first lesson on Friday and he did a great job listening and following directions. The instructor was simply awesome and made sure that the boys didn't get bored. They did exercises while on the horse and played games too. Griffin has no fear of being atop such a large animal, he seemed perfectly delighted.

School is going great as well. His teacher has sent home notes every day letting me know that he has had a wonderful day and that she is so happy to have him in her class. He is taking the Focalin XR 5mg each morning and it seems to be helping him out quite well. He loses his appetite during lunch but has breakfast and dinner so the doc said that it's no big deal.

We spent Saturday with Griffin's guardian, Stephanie, and had a great time. Griffin loves her so much and talks to her all the time that he is with her and on the phone as well. She has been such a wonderful support for us and so much fun to spend time with. We both love doing the same things and sit and talk for hours drinking lots of yummy coffee.

Can't wait for school to start! I miss Griffin while he is in school, I have stayed busy cleaning and made two collages; one of Griffin and one of my niece and nephew and now I read blogs and read my ancient history book. Hopefully I will begin school on the 7th...I am so excited to begin!

First Day of School

Griffin's new teacher wrote a note saying that he had a great day and she also called and left a message bragging about what a wonderful day he had. Needless to say I am thrilled and excited that perhaps this is going to be the right place for him to succeed.

I have spoken to everyone at the school who will have contact with him for therapy and special needs resource and they all seem to be happy that I am so pro-active and totally interested in what/how he does. I am just going to wait about 2 weeks to let things settle down and give them a chance to see how Griffin is doing then we can share information based on observations.

Every morning so far he has been up, eating, and ready to stand outside to wait for the bus, so that is a great sign. I was very productive yesterday, got the apartment totally cleaned and three loads of laundry done. Was still left with time on my hands and missing my little buddy, don't know what I will do today. I have started working on the book again, doing some writing so I will probably do that for the better part of the day. Can't wait until my classes start again so that I can put my brain to work again...nothing beats a good mental/intellectual challenge to fill the day.

I am Still a Straight A student!

I just made another A in my English Composition class therefore I now have 5 straight A's. I am so thrilled that I just had to share the news with everyone.

Next I will be taking English 101 Proficiency in Writing and History before 1650 and I am so excited. I just love learning and having the intellectual stimulation with lots of challenges.

Later I will be taking Ancient Greece, Forestry w/lab, and I want to add one more to make sure that I stay busy while Griffin is in school and to get that much closer to my degree.

Horseback Riding

Griffin had his evaluation yesterday at the therapeutic horseback riding farm. He laughed so hard he couldn't stop. You can see in this video how happy he is. They said that he did so well that after one more lesson he will be able to guide the horse himself without the front leader holding the reins. I am so very proud of him! He rode Tonnka, a wonderfully gentle horse who responded very well to Griffin's guidance. I am so excited to see him do it again and again, the next lesson is on the 28th.

North Carolina is SO Cool!!!!

Yes, it is so cool...in more ways than one. The weather is so much cooler than in SC, I hardly have to run the A/C ever. Most of the time the windows are open and there is lots of shade so that when the breeze blows it is nice and cool.

Griffin seems to be well adjusted in his new surroundings and he knows that school will be starting soon so I hope that it means that he will be prepared for that transition. He will be riding the special needs bus with one of the little boys that he often talks to here who is a neighbor. I have signed him up for hippotherapy (special needs horseback riding) and I am soooo thrilled for him, I believe that he is going to love it.

Griffin and I met his new pediatrician and she is awesome! She is referring him to a developmental doctor at the clinic for developmental disabilities where they can help us get OT and Speech. That is so excellent because he didn't have that in SC but he did have it in Alaska.

I am still a straight A student! I just made an A in my History of the American Indian class...I am so happy. I can't wait until I get my grade from my English Composition class, so far I have an A but there are a few assignments that she hasn't graded yet.

It is so nice to be near my friends. They came over two weekends ago with lots of linens, a bed for Griffin, and they decorated the apt. for us. They even rearranged the kitchen so that I had more space. My bedroom looks like a fancy five star hotel room, one that would include a bottle of champagne and a Godiva chocolate on the pillow. Now that's a first for me. I have hardly ever decorated my abode, especially not so much that everything matches, so it is really cool.

Everything is wonderful and I have nothing to complain about...Life is GOOD! I will take some pics of the gorgeous mountains and post them soon.

It's Official....We Have a New Place to Live!

I always love to see my precious angel sleeping and periodically take pics of him as he grows older. Not that he is not precious when he is awake but there is pure innocence when he is sleeping.

We finally got our new apartment in NC and it is nice...with 2 bedrooms! We have been just getting by with Griffin sleeping either on the couch or on the bed and then I would just sleep on the opposite. So this will be very nice, for us both to have our own space. The apt. manager lives above us so it should be very quiet there. She also has an autistic son who is about 17 years, I think.

Well, I won't have the Internet for a week or two while moving, can't afford the cost of the deposit. But as soon as I get it, I will post and let ya know how things are going for us. Got to find out which school Griffin will be going to and get him registered and schedule and IEP.

It will be so nice to be near my friends and sister, brother, and their families. A totally different atmosphere in NC than in SC that's for sure!

We are Moving North

I am so excited in so many good ways but a bit stressed out as well. The time draws near and we still have not found the right place to live yet. We have traveled to NC to look at apartments but we've got to get Griffin registered for school next week and run around two different cities to find the right place that will be most appropriate for him. All I can say is that I know for sure that the schools are WAAAAAY better there than down here! NC spends way more money on education, there are more qualified teachers who are knowledgable about autism and the TEACCH program as well. I just know that he is going to thrive there and I will have more support there also. My sister and brother live there and several of my friends whom I have known for many many years and are always supportive and understanding.

It will be nice to get out of the heat and humidity. I will miss mom, the sweet little old ladies that are here at the apartment, and my dear friends E.,C.,H., but all in all it will be best. We will visit mom so that she and Griffin can have some quality time together because he loves her so very much...of course, she is his NaNa. Besides, NC is a great place to visit, it is cooler, and far more beautiful so I am hoping that my friend E. and her family will come to visit us sometimes. Mom has obligations so she won't be coming up very often.

School is going great, I am ahead on my work but have two research essays due about the same time...that's a bit stressful but I can do it. One is in Chicago style which I have never used but I think(hope) that I get the hang of it. One is about Spiritual Agnosticism and the other is about The Trail of Tears which is heart-wrenching.

Speaking of heart-wrenching and the American Indian, after the knowledge that I have gained about them I will no longer celebrate the 4th of July because in 1776 things were fine and dandy for all the white folks but the American Indians were still being forced out of their homes, away from their homelands, the children were taken from their homes to be "Americanized" not to mention all the disease and slaughtering of men, women, and children that was going on. As far as I am concerned there is nothing worth celebrating when our forefathers were committing such horrible attocities. I could go on but I think that you probably have an idea of what I am talking about.

It's Time to Vent....Finally!

For those of you who know me, know that I am not one to complain about my health and all that I tolerate from day to day. I keep it all to myself because I see no point in sharing it with anyone...what good would it do?

Well, it is time for me to vent and enlighten those of you who might even remotely care. For the past month and a half I have had anxiety that is as though it is eating me from the inside out and is totally relentless regardless of medication or stupid and useless relaxation techniques. I am constantly on the edge and everything irritates me to no end but I dare not show it or say a word. Griffin bounces off the walls having a blast and I cannot enjoy these times with him because I feel like shit!!!!!!!!!!!!!

My insomnia has been horrible and even with medication once again I have it regardless. I awake at least twice a night if not three times. Usually I awake with the same anxiety that I had when I went to sleep. So my days are not only full of anxiety but I am exhausted at the same time.....every single day! My doctor has tried every medication possible and none have worked so he just gave up. And maybe you are thinking that I should try the natural route but NO NO NO, I have tried those and it is a big waste of money and it is money that I cannot afford to throw away.

I cannot read and relax because Griffin has the TV going and usually the computer too and my mind cannot focus enough for the words to make sense. So, what am I left to do? I cannot have a social life thanks to my father who won't allow my mother to watch Griffin so that I can have a break and have a life of my own. So here I am stuck and I hate to use that word but that is how I feel. What am I to do? Go out and find a perfect stranger to care for my child while I TRY to have fun on a date? I think not.

So, this is my perdicament and whether you hear it from me or not doesn't mean that I am not going through it. Don't know how this is supposed to help me feel better but I just felt that I need to vent and that perhaps it would be cathartic for me.

Time to Celebrate!!!!

This morning I was hastily making all the phone calls that we couldn't make over the weekend about Abby. Alas, I had just called the veterinarian to make sure the contact info was correct and not even 10 minutes later she called me back to tell me that somebody has our baby!!!!!

Apparently Abby got inside of a pasture that had chicken wire, got in it but couldn't get out. So, this woman who just so happens to be a dog groomer and had the pasture adjacent to her home, saw Abby and it took her an hour but she lured Abby with her dog and Abby came right up to them. I am so very grateful that this woman did the right thing by calling the vet and reporting that she found this dog.

Thank you to everyone who prayed for us and sent out positive energy into the universe. We are so thrilled to be a family once again.

We Miss Our Abby Girl and Feel Lost Without Her

It breaks my heart to even write this because to face the fact that we may never see Abby again is heart-wrenching. Yesterday, Griffin and I went to N.C. to visit our friends there and go to a baby shower. Well, we left Abby at our friend's house in the back yard while at the baby shower, thinking that she could not get out of the fence but little did we know that she could get out of the gate area with a lot of determination. And I feel horrible because she must have felt abandoned and thinking that we were not coming back for her so she took off looking for us. For hours there were 4 women and Griffin looking and calling everywhere but most places were closed because it was the weekend.

My stomach was doing flips and tied up in knots especially when Griffin kept asking where Abby was, it was all I could do to not cry. I am not giving up hope that we will find her safe and sound and either she is going to come back to the house in NC or she will make a long trip to our apartment in SC. Maybe someone has got her and has a heart big enough to let us know that they have her. I think that since she is a German Shepherd that most people will avoid her thinking that she will bite which is a good thing and a bad thing.

Please, dear friends, keep us in your prayers that Abby is safe and sound and that we will get her back. She is one of our family members and not just a "pet", she has served Griffin well as a service dog for 4 years and I am wishing that we will have her back for many more years. Life just isn't the same without her around because we miss her so very much. She has been loved so much and really bonded with us so I've just got to not give up on her and know that she loves us and will come back to us again soon.

Words of Wisdom

This is something we should all read at least once a week!!!!! Make sure you read to the end!!!!!!

Written By Regina Brett, 90 years old, of The Plain Dealer, Cleveland, Ohio

To celebrate growing older, I once wrote the 45 lessons life taught me.

1. Life isn't fair, but it's still good.

2. When in doubt, just take the next small step.

3. Life is too short to waste time hating anyone.

4. Your job won't take care of you when you are sick. Your friends and parents will. Stay in touch.

5. Pay off your credit cards every month.

6. You don't have to win every argument. Agree to disagree.

7. Cry with someone. It's more healing than crying alone.

8. It's OK to get angry with God. He can take it.

9. Save for retirement starting with your first paycheck.

10. When it comes to chocolate, resistance is futile.

11. Make peace with your past so it won't screw up the present.

12. It's OK to let your children see you cry.

13. Don't compare your life to others. You have no idea what their journey is all about.

14. If a relationship has to be a secret, you shouldn't be in it.

15. Everything can change in the blink of an eye. But don't worry; God never blinks.

16. Take a deep breath. It calms the mind.

17. Get rid of anything that isn't useful, beautiful or joyful.

18. Whatever doesn't kill you really does make you stronger.

19. It's never too late to have a happy childhood. But the second one
is up to you and no one else

20. When it comes to going after what you love in life, don't take no for an answer.

21. Burn the candles, use the nice sheets, wear the fancy lingerie. Don't save it for a special occasion. Today is special.

22. Over prepare, then go with the flow.

23. Be eccentric now. Don't wait for old age to wear purple.

24. The most important sex organ is the brain.

25. No one is in charge of your happiness but you.

26. Frame every so-called disaster with these words 'In five years, will this matter?'

27. Always choose life.

28. Forgive everyone everything.

29. What other people think of you is none of your business.

30. Time heals almost everything. Give time time.

31. However good or bad a situation is, it will change.

32. Don't take yourself so seriously. No one else does.

33. Believe in miracles.

34. God loves you because of who God is, not because of anything you did or didn't do.

35. Don't audit life. Show up and make the most of it now.

36. Growing old beats the alternative -- dying young.

37. Your children get only one childhood.

38. All that truly matters in the end is that you loved.

39. Get outside every day. Miracles are waiting everywhere.

40. If we all threw our problems in a pile and saw everyone else's, we'd grab ours back.

41. Envy is a waste of time. You already have all you need.

42. The best is yet to come...

43. No matter how you feel, get up, dress up and show up.

44. Yield.

45. Life isn't tied with a bow, but it's still a gift."

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