Single Moms Raising Autistic Sons

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Saturday, June 20, 2009

It's Time to Vent....Finally!

For those of you who know me, know that I am not one to complain about my health and all that I tolerate from day to day. I keep it all to myself because I see no point in sharing it with anyone...what good would it do?

Well, it is time for me to vent and enlighten those of you who might even remotely care. For the past month and a half I have had anxiety that is as though it is eating me from the inside out and is totally relentless regardless of medication or stupid and useless relaxation techniques. I am constantly on the edge and everything irritates me to no end but I dare not show it or say a word. Griffin bounces off the walls having a blast and I cannot enjoy these times with him because I feel like shit!!!!!!!!!!!!!

My insomnia has been horrible and even with medication once again I have it regardless. I awake at least twice a night if not three times. Usually I awake with the same anxiety that I had when I went to sleep. So my days are not only full of anxiety but I am exhausted at the same time.....every single day! My doctor has tried every medication possible and none have worked so he just gave up. And maybe you are thinking that I should try the natural route but NO NO NO, I have tried those and it is a big waste of money and it is money that I cannot afford to throw away.

I cannot read and relax because Griffin has the TV going and usually the computer too and my mind cannot focus enough for the words to make sense. So, what am I left to do? I cannot have a social life thanks to my father who won't allow my mother to watch Griffin so that I can have a break and have a life of my own. So here I am stuck and I hate to use that word but that is how I feel. What am I to do? Go out and find a perfect stranger to care for my child while I TRY to have fun on a date? I think not.

So, this is my perdicament and whether you hear it from me or not doesn't mean that I am not going through it. Don't know how this is supposed to help me feel better but I just felt that I need to vent and that perhaps it would be cathartic for me.


Connor's Mom said...

Oh, Lora.

I'm so sorry that you've been having a difficult time lately. I'm sending hugs your way.

Sounds like you need a break! Wish I was close enough to babysit. :)

Out of curiosity, have you looked into respite care programs for your state? I know there are a lot of charitable organizations spread out across the country that offer respite care specifically to give parents of children with special needs some time alone. I don't know which state you are in, but it might be worth looking into.

Hope things get better for you soon.


KC's Blog said...

My dearest friends,
I'm so sorry you are having a tough time honey. It is hard not being able to get a break and double hard when you aren't able to sleep. It just drains you.
I echo what Connor's Mom suggested. Respite, you are in need of respite services. Does Griffin qualify for respite? Remember the respite hours can be anytime your provider can come by. Even late. If you have the hours interview many before you decide on one. Some have their schedules wide open.
I am always praying for you guys and sending positive energy out to you two. I wish I were closer to you both I would be there in a hot flat second.
We love you guys.
Tina and Boys

Melissa H said...

Oh Lora. :-( Almost a week later and I'm finally signing into Bloglines and reading this. I'm so sorry that you're having such a tough time. I don't know if your doctor ever tried it (I know that he probably sticks to bipolar meds, I would assume) but Librax has been a lifesaver for me. Look it up, do some research on it and maybe it might work for you. I only take it "as needed", when Conor is having a really hard day and I just can't handle it, but it has made a world of difference in my anxiety levels. (and it's an old med, so the generic is cheap).

I'm praying for you guys right now. Something has to give for all of us. Ugh.

Lots of hugs and love.

Anonymous said...

I just wanted to say, I am thinking of you!! I have been going through the same thing!! It is a terrible feeling and it makes life very unenjoyable.. It is hard to share your feeling with Family and friends for fear they will just think your "crazy". I just stumbled across your blog and it was weird because I have been wondering if I was the only woman going through this.. I also have a three year old son who is on the spectrum. Well any-hoo, I just wanted to let you know that your not alone. If you need a person to chat with who knows how you feel my e-mail is Michelle