Stomach/Anxiety Problems

I have had stomach issues that have progressively gotten worse over time, to the point of vomiting pure acid. I had to sleep in a chair Saturday night so that I wouldn't get sick. I had so much anxiety that I couldn't sleep and had to take my prescribed dosage of 2 Attivan for sleep.

I have been stressed over my family and the fact that they have been talking behind my back and that I have been accused of doing things that I would never ever do, not in this lifetime! Ever since getting out of the hospital it has been nothing but one stressful situation after another with them. If not for that then I would be just fine and have nothing to worry about although I will be absolutely broke in the month of October. I usually don't stress over things like money and this is no exception because I know that it will all work out. However, when people talk about me especially when I am not around to defend myself and in the hospital, THAT bothers me!!!! And to add fuel to the fire, it was highly suggested that I not hang out with my friends, the ones who helped me when my family wouldn't, the ones who I grew up with right after I got out of the hospital. So there is the proof that things are being said about me and it was decided that I shouldn't have anything to do with this family of friends....of course that was "not" a source of stress either LOL!

I am not a child and Griffin and I are doing fine on our own, we did it for 5 years in Anchorage and we can do it again. At least up there I wasn't having stress related physical problems. I came here to have support but I will not accept help conditionally and be treated as though I have no wits about myself and cannot make sound decisions on my own.

I am just going to steer clear of everyone in my family and refuse any help in October, I will get by without them one way or the other. I may have to pawn something but I will get by. At least we do have food stamps (some but not a whole lot) and if I go to the discount grocery then I think that I can make our food stretch. The only catch is that Griffin will only eat certain foods and they do not always have those foods. I'll figure it out.

I was supposed to have an endoscopy today but didn't have a ride home and I sure do need to have it done. Something is terribly wrong and it is just getting worse. My Attivan only works when I take 2 at night, during the day when I only take one it doesn't give me any relief and tends to hurt my stomach.

Griffin's School Performance

This is Griffin with his familiar smiley face as he sits and waits for his school musical performance. I wanted to put a video on here but it was too long to be uploaded. Griffin didn't sing but the whole time the other kids were singing he danced. The crowd loved it and especially at the end of each song they would clap and Griffin would take a bow. He is so darn adorable people just can't help but love him.

Griffin's teacher brags that she and the classmates just adore him, that he is quite popular. Tuesday I took "Chucky Sue" the Chinese Dwarf Hamster, to show & tell and Griffin answered questions as the children would raise their hands and he would choose who to call on. The interaction was incredible and it was the first time that I had seen him socialize in such a manner. He seemed quite proud of himself and the fact that his mom and his pet were there and that the kids were so thrilled to see the hamster.

I am so glad that we moved and that he is in such a wonderful school/classroom. He has progressed in leaps and bounds. I am also glad that I stopped home schooling him so that he could have the opportunity to socialize and be around his peers. I feel that for any child this is essential. Otherwise how could they know when they grow older what to do in social situations? It is especially crucial for autistic children to do this because they do and possibly will always be delayed socially.

Each night I give thanks and tears come to my eyes when I think how far he has come and how bittersweet that he is growing and developing so fast.....we have come a long way. I have a collage that I made of his younger years and look at it each day and can't help but to smile and remember how much joy he has brought to me and how much I have learned along the way...from him.

Please Pray for Our Friends

My dear friends at Autism Schmatism are having a tough time as they have had a death in the family. So please visit the blog and give your support and let them know that you care. We love them dearly, they are so beautiful and loving. Please pray for them.

Feeling Better about Life

I am over it now and life goes on. I have returned to being grateful for the friends that I do have and especially for my little, not so little, guy. Griffin helps me to live in the present and I love that,so things are going well and I am not going to complain....not for awhile at least LOL!

Mental Illness and the Lack of Concern

It always amazes me how people dismiss mental illness issues as opposed to physical injuries. I have had so little support and not even heard from those whom I thought were very dear friends to me. THAT HURTS LIKE HELL! Even my own mother didn't call to see how I was doing! Damn good thing that I am not suicidal because it would be a good time to check out.

As if it is not hard enough to get through all this and raise an autistic child then I don't even have the support that I need to feel like anybody gives a damn. I now have 2 people who are here that call to check on me and I truly appreciate that. Had to stop talking to my sister because all she would do is minimize my issues and trigger me to no end. I do have friends who call from afar and e-mail me to see how things are going and to show their concern.

It sucks to have a mental illness and how people treat me as if I had some kind of disease that they would die from if they contacted me. Thanks a lot people! Having horrible attacks of anxiety every day that are debilitating isn't enough, it is HELL to feel like I am hardly cared for and loved. My anxiety meds don't work for me and I am on the max dose. So now my PTSD is full blown and I can't get it under control. Sure wish that I was not treated that way too bad I wasn't in a car accident, I would have had flowers and everything!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I am a Blessed Individual, I am Grateful for All that I have

Griffin will be taking O.T., P.T., and Speech this year (privately). We are also working on getting him back into O.T. swimming because where he goes for therapy has a pool! Unfortunately, I am going to have to stop the horseback riding. It is just too far away and even though we got a scholarship the money is just not there, sad to say. Maybe next season we can start all over again.

Griffin is still doing great in school! The only obstacle that we have right now is that he won't eat. He refuses breakfast, then takes his Focalin XR then he won't eat his lunch either. For dinner he still does not have an appetite and only wants one carb, like fries, mac & cheese, or bread. I wish that I could afford to get him some vitamins. The challenge there is too that it is hard to find one that he will actually take. I have wasted so much money on trying out vitamins for him. The doctor suggested that he take the gummy kind so when I have some money, in about 2 months, I can get him some.

Finances are very very poor this month, I frankly do not know how we are going to make it through. I hope that we have enough food and gas. Since I have therapy now, about 4o miles away, and Griffin has therapy plus doctor's appointments each week I have to be super careful with how much I drive. I just give thanks each day for what we have and have faith and a positive attitude that the universe will work it all out for us. I hate it when people say "it could be worse" because that just minimizes what we are going through. I wish that they would just be positive and say something like, "you are a blessed person" thus reminding me that we do have a lot to be grateful for.

I have learned throughout the years of therapy that validation is so important for someone who is going through a crisis and for someone to minimize just adds salt to the wound. It is not the way to support someone and show them that you really care and that you are trying to understand what they are going through. For me, my crisis and challenges are real and just because there are people out there who have their own challenges doesn't make a difference to me because it is my life that I am living not theirs. Giving someone positive support is the way to go and I am not one to complain either so I consider myself to be a positive-forward thinking person. So just an FYI for those of you who might slip and say that to someone, try to think before you speak and show some LOVE!

What an Adventure Life is

Just got out of the hospital. Had a horrible manic attack and had to be taken by ambulance to the hospital where they admitted me. My pulse was 140 and they had to give me two Attivan to get it down.

No need for details, I have already e-mailed the people whom I wish to know about them. But I met some really cool girls on that floor, some whom I will always keep in touch with and will never forget.

They told me that the tough part is not going through the stay there but once I got home it would be worse and boy was that the truth. I had an anxiety attack my first night home and couldn't sleep for hours, woke at 4:00 then decided to take more meds to help me sleep just a little bit longer and well, it lasted way longer than that. I woke when Griffin did but couldn't stay awake all day. So, I am here to confess that I was "out of it" for a couple of hours while he was awake. I hate it but it is the truth.

I have an appt. to see a psychiatrist on Monday so that I can be sure that my meds are still working okay and that I will for sure get new prescriptions for next month. I am very relieved by that.

Had to drop my classes for this month because my books won't be here until tomorrow. That is a bummer because I was looking forward to having enough to keep me occupied while Griffin is in school. Not to worry though because I can start at the first of next month. In the meantime I will just start reading my text books.

Griffin did really well going from one house to the other while I was away, they all said that he had lots of fun. So that helps me to handle the fact that I missed him so badly. My sister even brought him in to visit me once and boy did that help me get through the rest of my stay there. Although I cried plenty, I got over it more quickly because I got to see his big smile and have lots of hugs.