Single Moms Raising Autistic Sons

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Monday, January 20, 2014


I feel like the whole world misunderstands me and that they always have since I have my first memory I have been a social misfit. Perhaps not in some people's eyes such as my families because I had to put on airs and try so darn hard to fit in, that is part of the reason why I had anxiety as a child so badly to the point of making me vomit in my sleep and sending me to the hospital numerous poor parents, what they must have been going through they must have been so perplexed as to what was going on because the doctors weren't helping. My parents ended up taking me to the University of North Carolina in order to find out what was wrong with me because the doctors at home couldn't help. Then the only sorry answer that they gave that my parents tell me now is that they said it was a "nervous stomach". I beg to differ!

The other part is that I have a severe communication problem and always have since childhood. I can't make words come out when I want to say them and instead I just keep it all inside and it all contributes to my anxiety even worse. As a child, I would for example need to use the restroom while in the classroom and would be so terrified of the teacher that I couldn't tell her that I had to go so instead I just went right there on her carpet or right there at the chalkboard. One teacher even kept a change of clothes for me because it happened so often, she was my favorite teacher of all time....she was so kind and understanding to me. No matter the circumstance the words just don't come out right even if some do. People misinterpret my message because of the tone of my voice which I cannot is mono-toned. They apparently think that I am being sarcastic when I am not then that hurts my self-esteem and my feelings and makes me feel like there is something wrong with me. I have always felt this way.

I seem depressed and negative most of the time and do not show emotions but that is how the mind of someone with Asperger's works, it is not my intention. It is literally how the brain is made up, the shape of it and size of certain areas of it that are different than that of a "neurotypical" or what most people say a "normal" brain. But to me "normal" is just a setting on the dryer because nobody is normal. I walk around and even sit around in constant overload all day long. I am constantly in a state of anxiety and sensory overload, always overwhelmed even in my own home. God forbid I go out in public! It is exhausting! Talking to people and being around them overwhelms me to the point that I get sick to my stomach and panic. It is a fight or flight mechanism.

After elementary school I had to make it on my own with only a few friends who were misfits like me, of course I didn't know then that they were misfits but in hindsight I do now. I started getting into trouble as a teen and drinking to numb the pain because I felt that I had no one to turn to who could guide me and help me understand myself and why I was so different. I spent as much time possible alone away from my family and friends listening to music and writing in my journals. Writing letters to a man who was 5 years my senior that I had no business getting involved with in the first place, I was only 15 years old. and easily manipulated.

Now I have been through 5 marriages and serious mental health issues for years undiagnosed and diagnosed; with good doctors and meds, and without good doctors and meds/unstable. I am very stable now and quite able to take care of myself and Griffin, we live alone in solitude but we are happy that way. I only wish that people could understand that I do have empathy and feelings even though I don't cry or laugh, that I do need love even though I may not show a lot of affection or act like I am in need, and that even though I may complain about my life it only means that it is a cry out for help, attention, love, compassion, and understanding. My mind works differently than others because I have not only mental illness but I also have Asperger's Syndrome and I cannot help that I make mistakes. I need to be love for my deficits just like Griffin does and yes I am held accountable for a faux pas but only if one tells me that I made it. Sometimes I don't even realize that I made one.

I love my family and all they are about. I am happy that I have the family that I have, especially my mom and dad. They are very special to me. My mom calls me every morning to wake me up to make sure that Griffin gets on the bus and takes his medicine. Isn't that wonderful? I am so blessed. How wonderful that is.

My parents took great care of us and I am proud to call them my parents!

1 comment:

Full Spectrum Mama said...

How beautiful to have good parents - NOT a given - and to have made your wee family peaceful in solitude. Families take all shapes and SIZES, friend!!! When I read your blog, so much of it resonates with em and makes ME feel less alone...and less diarrhea-y ;)