Thank You All

I cannot thank you enough for your kind words of encouragement, they surely helped me a great deal.....more than I can express. It never fails that when I am feeling low and need help, when my depression has got me down and I can't seem to get up my blogger friends always come through for me and for that I am eternally grateful. Your words of advice and your wonderful suggestions have definitely gotten me up and feeling better about myself and about being a good mother. I have made such dear and precious friends here through this blog and met some new ones recently who have been so supportive and I believe that if not for that support there would be times that I could not have gotten up and feeling better about myself. Yes, you all have that kind of power to help me "heal" my psyche and get through my bipolar moments. It is a wicked affliction and I often wish that I did not have it but I do, it is part of me, and there's not much I can do except take my medication and live with the residual symptoms that remain. My previous post was essentially a cry for help and now that I read it it sounds so sad and pitiful which is how I was feeling I guess but that was then and this is now and I wouldn't be in this place had you all not helped me.

I now realize that the move was a good thing for Griffin and eventually it will be a good thing for me too, I just need more time to adjust that's all. I do have some good news, my medicaid was approved and my application for public assistance came through for me (it's not much but every little bit helps). Now all I need to do is get a new lawyer in this area to represent me for my social security disability hearing and sit and wait for them to have the darn thing. Social security has bypassed their deadline as of August of 2006 but of course it makes no difference to them that they passed their deadline for my hearing. There's no need for me to rant about it, all I need to do is to be positive and do what I must to take care of business.

I Need Your Help

This is a new site that I discovered called CafeMom and here is an article that the moderator wrote entitled Happy To Have A Spectrum Kid it is inspiring and encouraging and so are the replies to the article.
Griffin is seen here with my Mom goofing off and being a ham for the camera, I have noticed that lately he has been doing that more and more.

I don't know what it is but lately I have felt like I am not a good mother to Griffin. Maybe my depression is not as good as I thought it was, I thought that since moving from Anchorage that I was doing better but I guess that I was wrong. Sure, I miss Alaska and all my friends, I miss the people, the city, the magnificent scenery, I miss my privacy and my independence but I don't miss the isolation of that apartment in the freezing temperatures and darkness of winter. What to do? I am taking my medications the way I should and my parents are helping out with Griffin. I get out of the house nearly every day but at the same time I cannot seem to shake this feeling that I have that I'm not a good mother and that Griffin is better off here than he was in Anchorage because I wasn't a good mother to him then or now. Griffin has been thriving here and talking a lot, hardly having any meltdowns in fact he is acting more like an NT child more than ever. What is it that I was doing wrong in Anchorage? I talked to my friend Sue about a situation that happened here with my parents which I won't go into out of respect for them but Sue told me that I WAS A GOOD MOTHER! She told me that I was a good mother in Anchorage and that I am still a good mother. She asked me why all of a sudden that I was doubting myself when I was doing fine in Alaska. I couldn't answer her and I still have no answers. It's like a sadness that has overcome me and it only seems to be getting worse. I wish that I had a therapist here, if only I could find out about whether or not my medicaid was approved but it has been over a month and still no word. I miss my therapist in Anchorage, she was so awesome and I will never ever have someone like her ever again. My thoughts have been so dark lately and I wonder about "what if" all the time such as "what if something happens to me then how would Griffin feel, would he miss me?" things like that. I realize that I am pouring my heart out here but I just don't know what to do and I need some support from my blogger friends. I wish that I could hear someone tell me on a regular basis that I am a good mother, someone who is close to me, ya know? What a big difference that would make to just hear those words. Don't we all want to hear them? Am I just a strange one who needs reassurance and validation all the time? I am wondering if any of you have felt the way that I have. Have you ever had dark thoughts about what would happen if you were to die and if your child would even miss you or not? I think that Griffin would miss me but not really bad which breaks my heart but at the same time it would be good because it would mean that he was his usual happy camper self that I always want him to be. Now I am just rambling on and on. Is there anyone out there who has some words of wisdom? Do you think that you could help me? Please!

Sandbox Fun

I am happy to report that Griffin is once again using the potty as he once did, he has even told me that he needs to go and walks into the bathroom on his own. I think that being sick just threw him off and he just needed time to get back into the swing of things. Here Griffin is pictured playing in the sandbox with his cousin and boy oh boy did he have a blast. I think that it was the very first time that he has actually played in a sandbox. He thoroughly enjoyed rolling around in it and putting the sand in his hair, I just let him do as he pleased and have fun not worrying about how dirty he got. Griffin did actually interact with his little cousin who is about 2 years old, he seems to really enjoy the company of children who are younger and smaller than himself for some reason. Granted the interaction was brief at best and it mostly involved him taking turns and sharing toys but anyhow it was great to see that he even had the least bit of interest in her at all.

I am also pleased to report that I got my medicine that I so desperately needed for my Bipolar Disorder through the P.P.A.(Partnership of Prescription Assistance). I had not written about it in the blog but I was running out of my medicine which costs $500.00 a month and had actually been taking it every other day instead of every day as I was supposed to because I was running so low on them but I called the PPA and they came through for me!!! Now I can feel like myself again, my medicated self, and be stable emotionally/mentally and not have to worry about flying off the handle or weeping uncontrollably whenever someone happens to mention something that touches a nerve. I am so grateful for the 3-4 month supply that they sent to me, just think how much money those meds are worth!!! It was actually the drug company who sent me the meds........Bristol-Meyer Squibb but it's about time that the drug companies finally give back to the consumers and not just robbing them blind over medications!!! I am not a big fan of the pharmaceutical industry even though I will be stuck taking their meds for the rest of my life but I won't go into it right now. It just makes me angry and there's not a thing that I can do about it either!

Need Help With Toilet Training Tips

Griffin has been mouthing non-food objects again and putting his fingers in his mouth and writing on windows & mirrors with his saliva (YUCK!), it's no wonder that he keeps getting sick. I try to sanitize his hands as often as I can especially when we go out in public but I can't keep up. I know that it means that he needs more oral stimulation like a spin toothbrush and a Nuk brush too and I guess that I'll be going out to get one in order to help him stop doing these things. Since Griffin got sick recently he has stopped using the toilet almost completely and I don't know how to get him to start using it again. He had been going consistently with a little bit of encouragement getting to the bathroom but once in front of the toilet he would go willingly. Now he has to be practically dragged to the bathroom and once in front of the toilet he refuses to even push his pants down to urinate. He also needs to a great deal of encouragement to get to the bathroom when he needs to have a BM and often goes in his pullups/diaper. I have tried using a reward system where he got a jelly bean or m&m after using the toilet but it stopped working because he totally lost interest in eating them. I don't know of a reward that he likes better than those, he has no interest in stickers either. Of course I give him lots of praise when he goes but he doesn't really seem to care whether I do or not. Who has some suggestions? I would love to hear some ideas that you might have, I'm getting desperate because he has regressed so badly and I feel like we are at square one, even worse than square one because at least at square one he liked jelly beans! Oh and he doesn't seem to be bothered by the feeling of a wet pullup either so that's not a factor. He has some "big boy" underpants but he is not in the least bit interested in wearing them so I don't know how to motivate the little guy.

Fun Depot

Last Saturday we celebrated Griffin's birthday by going to Fun Depot in North Carolina and he seemed to have a really good time. The place was packed and noisy but it didn't seem to phase him at all until the very end when he became restless and started to do the limp noodle bit. It was quite understandable that he would eventually become overwhelmed but he had lasted a few hours playing and running around just as a typical kiddo would. My sister's daughter was there and we got a picture of Griffin kissing her on the cheek unfortunately it was a pic taken in the portrait booth and I cannot share it with you but just the same it was an awesome picture. I am thrilled that he gave her a peck on the cheek because it was an interaction, I mean he actually touched her and in an affectionate manner too. Once Griffin started to show signs of fatigue and of being overwhelmed we went straight home and he zonked out before his meds even had time to kick in, must have been exhausted. All in all it was a great day and I am so grateful that my family was there to share such a special experience with us. I really think that Griffin has enjoyed being around the family, he seems to love the attention and affection. Even though things are not quite the same, the school is not as good, and the services, money and resources are not as good, I am still glad that we are here. Anchorage was good for many things this is true but there's nothing like having family and loving support which we did not have there. I do miss my friends considerably but I don't miss the endless days of darkness, frigid temperatures (that kept us inside all the time), and the tons of snow.......well, I do kind of miss the snow but not shoveling it and having to drive in it! Everything is a trade off and there's got to be a balance in life so instead of complaining about what I don't have I will just be grateful for what we do have and just love life in spite of it all.