I sure hate that we don't have photos like we used to, I miss my camera so much one never realizes what a passion something is until it is totally gone. It should mean that I am writing more and more which is also my passion but there seems to be this void in my life that is a black hole absent of fulfillment and it has seemed that over the years no matter what I have done only the fact that I have a beautiful child has filled my days with contentment. I try to live as an example to enjoy doing things but there is this term that I discovered "anhedonia" which means one's inability to experience pleasure from activities once found enjoyable such as hobbies and personal interactions. This is usually due to depression which I do not currently have but I do feel numb and as if in a sensory/emotional vacuum. I think that I mostly feel lonely.
I do believe that when I thought that I was on the spectrum about a year or more ago and nobody believed me, so I just stopped pursuing it, I found myself becoming more introspective and that is when I began to have such a difficult time coping with Griffin's autism diagnosis all of a sudden. I became angry and confused and had no one to talk to about it who understood me, everyone was qualified to talk to Griffin but not to an adult...as far as I knew.
Now that someone has told me recently that he believes that I have Aspergers, and he is someone who has a daughter with Aspergers (a high functioning form of autism, more so than Griffin) he is also someone who is an autism therapist specialist. But he still wants me to go a woman named Laurie who is an expert psychologist who can do an evaluation and give me counseling especially since this has been such a struggle for me. Believe me....it is no piece of cake being on the spectrum as a single parent and raising a child on the spectrum with behavior issues.....not only that I am also Bipolar with PTSD and have Fibromyalgia/CFS, and severe arthritis in my feet. I hate to let any of that stop me but some days are so hard and the worst part is when people don't call me. I am hardly on the computer anymore because my Fibromyalgia has been so bad and I am so weak that it is hard to take care of my chores, errands, doctor's appointments, so then by the time I am home all I can do is rest as much as I can until I have to take care of Griffin and I fall asleep on the couch before bedtime.
Even if I do have Aspergers and like to be alone just like many autistic individuals it doesn't mean that I don't get lonely and wish that my friends would call me or write a letter or e-mail. I reach out to them but I guess that their busy lives just keep them from making frequent calls...I guess. It still hurts my feelings and I can't talk to Laurie until the 28th. Now I have an idea of what Griffin feels like when he wants to socialize but doesn't know how, when the other kids won't play with him. When he wants to say something but can't get the words out and the ideas and frustrations are trapped in his head/heart. That is why I am trying to talk more to Griffin and if he doesn't want to talk I just ask him if I can be in the room with him because I know what it is like to feel empty and to feel as if nobody is thinking of you. He relies on me to help him feel loved and wanted for his self-esteem and self worth, it is a huge responsibility and even when I feel weak and exhausted from my CFS I have still got to be there for him.
That is part of what we are working on with RHA. We are working on communication to make life easier for both of us but especially for Griffin so that he can let me know what he is thinking and feeling before he breaks something or hits me. I am so impressed with RHA, they have really brought us together, we are spending more quality time together drawing each other out of our isolation because we know how. That is something that my friends and Griffin's peers don't know how to do. They don't know that with autism we are in our own little world, in our comfort zone as much as possible but if you have the inclination and the love and the patience....you can draw us out of it and bring us joy beyond contentment and help us feel like we are part of the real world.
No comments:
Post a Comment