It's a Wonderful Life...Albeit a Sleepless One

The top photo is of Dot, the next is our newest cat, Link, then there is the awesome photo of Griffin holding a goose that he picked up and as you can see it is perfectly calm and at peace in Griffin's arms. Griffin held it for about ten minutes not because it struggled but because it was time to go.

For the past two weeks I have had the worst bout of insomnia and it just will not go away. It is so damn frustrating to stay awake for 24 to 48 hours trying to stay busy feeling horrible most the time but sometimes I feel okay. But it is so boring because after being productive and trying everything to keep occupied it gets boring. I do meditate a lot to rest my body and mind that helps. After reading some comments from the Fibromyalgia page on Facebook many of the Fibro sufferers said that it is common to have insomnia with Fibro and after all these years of having it I had no idea, my doctor never told me that. My rheumatologist hardly talks to me anyhow so how could he educate me?

I have been up for over 24 hours and Griffin just got up as I finally start getting sleepy so how could I go to sleep now because he needs me to cook for him? Maybe I can doze a bit and tell him to wake me if he needs me. This is just terrible! My entire body hurts so bad.

If you are one of my Facebook friends don't be surprised if I unfriend you for non-participation as in...if you ignore me then there's no need to be in my life especially not as a voyeur, never cared for peeping Toms. My life is no longer an open book to those who don't bother to show me that they care once in awhile. I have no patience with bench warmers...stay in the game or get off the field! But big hugs out to those of you who care enough to chat with me and exchange personal messages with me as "friends" are supposed to do. To support one another. Isn't that what loved ones do?

Autism Night Before Christmas by Cindy Waeltermann

Autism Night Before Christmas
by Cindy Waeltermann
Twas the Night Before Christmas
And all through the house
The creatures were stirring
Yes, even the mouse

We tried melatonin
And gave a hot bath
But the holiday jitters
They always distract
The children were finally
All nestled in bed
When nightmares of terror
Ran through my OWN head
Did I get the right gift
The right color
And style
Would there be a tantrum
Or even, maybe, a smile?
Our relatives come
But they don’t understand
The pleasure he gets
Just from flapping his hands.
“He needs discipline,” they say
“Just a well-needed smack,
You must learn to parent…”
And on goes the attack
We smile and nod
Because we know deep inside
The argument is moot
Let them all take a side
We know what it’s like
To live with the spectrum
The struggles and triumphs
Achievements, regressions…
But what they don’t know
And what they don’t see
Is the joy that we feel
Over simplicity
He said “hello”
He ate something green!
He told his first lie!
He did not cause a scene!
He peed on the potty
Who cares if he’s ten,
He stopped saying the same thing
Again and again!
Others don’t realize
Just how we can cope
How we bravely hang on
At the end of our rope
But what they don’t see
Is the joy we can’t hide
When our children with autism
Make the tiniest stride
We may look at others
Without the problems we face
With jealousy, hatred
Or even distaste,
But what they don’t know
Nor sometimes do we
Is that children with autism
Bring simplicity.
We don’t get excited
Over expensive things
We jump for joy
With the progress work brings
Children with autism
Try hard every day
That they make us proud
More than words can say.
They work even harder
Than you or I
To achieve something small
To reach a star in the sky
So to those who don’t get it
Or can’t get a clue
Take a walk in my shoes
And I’ll assure you
That even 10 minutes
Into the walk
You’ll look at me
With respect, even shock.
You will realize
What it is I go through
And the next time you judge
I can assure you
That you won’t say a thing
You’ll be quiet and learn,
Like the years that I did
When the tables were turned……

Finding Myself

I have been on a journey to self realization, of spiritual awareness, and to find out exactly who it is that I have longed to be my entire life and in order to become that person to live an authentic life I must take time away from distractions and negative influences. I am finally feeling my feelings and have come to the realization that they serve a purpose in the entire scheme of things.

Now I am able to actually sit in silence and allow my thoughts to wander and whether they be good or bad it is okay. They all teach me something about myself that I have been running from all my life, living in fear and not allowing genuine love in my life. To actually experience pure joy and appreciating each moment as it happens instead of being lost in thought as my life passes me by. I can sit and feel the pain from my past, from my childhood and not allow it to create fear but instead helping me grow and move past it. Through reading several books I have learned so much about myself and about the process of my journey, how I need to feel pain in order to grow in order to feel joy authentically.

My anxiety serves it purpose and as long as I don't ignore it by distracting myself with mundane tasks then it talks to me and the more I listen the more it subsides. I just breathe through it and stay in the moment being fully aware and mindful. I don't allow myself to be thinking of what I should be doing or what I should have done but to relish in the moment and just BE.

I have taken a break from talking on the phone and socializing is limited I have to do some for Griffin's sake but this is MY time, the time that I have never taken for myself. And I am not being selfish only nurturing to my spirit and body. The impetus for all this was that my health had gotten in really bad shape and my stress levels through the roof and I realized finally that I was the only one responsible for making the changes necessary to end the nonsense and stop putting up with other people's garbage. I like the saying, "When you realize how valuable you are then you will stop giving people discounts." And that is how I am living my life now and from now on. I deserve to have quintessential joy and peace in my life and to fully the life that I was meant to live with Griffin. To fully enjoy every precious moment with him and to not let it pass me by.

I truly believe that my purpose in life was to be a mother to Griffin and not just a mother but the best mother he could possibly have and in order to do that I have to be devoted and present...to not be consumed by negativity and distractions. I can't allow others to form opinions about my parenting and about my child in which influence me and my decisions. I am following my heart, my intuition, and pursuing that which fills me up both spiritually and emotionally helping me to be the compassionate mother that my child deserves to have. Not only am I living in compassion for him but also for myself because I have realized that I don't need compassion and validation from others because I can give it to myself. Besides, Griffin is the only person who truly loves me unconditionally and accepts me fully for who I am. And in return I shall give that to him and try to teach him as much as he has taught me on how to  live authentically.

I have lived my whole life up to this point trying to live up to others' expectations of me and trying to make them happy doing what I "should" do rather than being true to myself and my own feelings. I now know that I have the God given right to do what is best for ME. I don't "have to " do anything that doesn't feel right or that brings me peace and happy feelings. I am not obligated to make phone calls or send cards or have Griffin do something for someone else just because of what they might want. If I need time to take care of myself then I will not feel guilty for it. I have to live the way that I want to live and I will no longer have regrets for not being true to myself and making choices based on my intuition and best judgment. For those who had the chance to validate me when they had the chance it is okay because you are now free from that expectation that I had of you. My needs have changed and I am at peace with my choices.

Seasons Change and So Must I

As I have discovered that the more improvements and changes of the goals in my that I make the more the negative influences in my life have with coping with it. Frankly, I don't give a damn! I am finally standing up for myself and my son and will not tolerate anyone known to us or not known to us to treat either of us with disrespect and disregard furthermore if he is not accepted for who he is NOW and not expected to change in order to accommodate others and their criticisms/judgments loving him unconditionally then there is no space left for you. All we have had is love and acceptance and in return we do not get the same. If there is no space in  your heart for unconditional love then there is no space in your life for us.

Life is a constant evolution of changes and seasons on and on therefore it is time that I move on and finally live in freedom from being judged as if I am a bad lazy parent who doesn't have any idea of what she is doing. As if I haven't been at this for almost 13 years, done my homework, been to all the therapies and doctors for his entire life. No more is he going to be judged for not living up to stranger's and relative's expectations. No more because my new life begins NOW and I am a mama bear and will not stand for it!

This mom has said it in her own words at: http://www.laurencasper.com/2014/11/20/the-hardest-part-of-autism-and-it-isnt-him/     as she describes that the hardest part of autism is not her son but other people and their judgments, their criticisms, their remarks , and advice. It is exhausting putting up with the daily BS from people and no one knows until they have walked a mile in our shoes.

I am not tolerating it from anyone anymore stranger or relative! The seasons are changing right now!

Griffin: My Wish for You

I wish for you, my love, to experience every emotion possible and to never allow anyone to tell you that your feelings are wrong or that you shouldn't feel or express them. It is only natural to experience all that God gave us in our hearts and to never be ashamed of who you are, how you behave, and how you express yourself. It is natural to feel good and bad and to not stifle any of them because if you do then that is when you have a life long problem of resisting and what you resist persists. Anger, hate, fear, embarrassment, jealousy, resentment, frustration, are all part of what makes you human and if you just feel it and let it pass then it will not persist and haunt you keeping you awake at night gnawing at your stomach making you sick.

Relish in all the good emotions and focus on them when you have them making them last as long as you can. But don't expect them to last forever because not every day is a happy one and we should cherish all that God has blessed us with which is a spectrum of emotions sometimes all within one day. This is perfectly natural. It has taken me 50 years to realize all this and I didn't learn it by just existing. I learned through reading and reading by taking an interest in being a better person so that I could be a better mom to you.

We have both grown and progressed a great deal during this past year. I have eliminated negative influences from my life and I am taking control of my environment by limiting my exposure to those who I have to have contact with but can be depressing and not supportive. I want you to feel empowered to feel in control of your life so that no one can ever take advantage of you and make you feel less than human. Griffin, you are a gift to the world especially to me and anyone who doesn't appreciate you for who you are is not deserving of your presence. I have gratitude and quintessential joy for having you in my life and the more I learn about you each day only brings me closer to you strengthening our bond that no one could ever break.

You have taught me more than I have taught you and I will let you know how much I love you by showing you through my assertive actions on your behalf until the day I pass from this earth. I will be your advocate as long as you need me and respect you as an individual with dignity and honor. Recognizing your talents , skills, and intelligence and at the same time appreciating that you have deficits and that you require help and support, understanding, and compassion. I will stop at nothing to stand up for you so that you can live a happy, natural, fulfilling, content way of life. Living life to the fullest! I love you buggly!