Feel Free to Copy and Pass Along for an Autistic Individual During the Holidays

This was written for the purpose of it being sent to relatives, friends, and hosts of holiday gatherings that might need a crash course in what to expect from their guest on the autism spectrum. This letter is written as if the individual on the autism spectrum is writing it personally.


Dear Family and Friends:

I understand that we will be visiting each other for the holidays this year! Sometimes these visits can be very hard for me, but here is some information that might help our visit to be more successful. As you probably know, a hidden disability called autism, or what some people refer to as a Pervasive Developmental Disorder (PDD), challenges me. Autism/PDD is a neurodevelopment disorder, which makes it hard for me to understand the environment around me. I have barriers in my brain that you can't see, but which make it difficult for me to adapt to my surroundings.

Thanksgiving & Christmas is one of the roughest holidays for me. With large crowds and holiday shopping it can be very overwhelming, even a bit scary. When planning a party remember that with my over sensitive hearing and eye sight, Christmas trees and holiday smells can cause me mild to severe pain or discomfort. If the noises are impossible to control a personal stereo with headphones set to a safe level for children may help drown out background noise and ease my discomfort.

Sometimes I may seem rude and abrupt, but it is only that because I have to try so hard to understand people and at the same time, make myself understood. People with autism have different abilities: some may not speak, some write beautiful poetry, others are whizzes in math (Albert Einstein was thought to be autistic), or may have difficulty making friends. We are all different and need various degrees of support.

Sometimes when I am touched unexpectedly, it might feel painful and make me want to run away. I get easily frustrated too. Being with lots of other people is like standing next to a moving freight train and trying to decide how and when to jump aboard. I feel frightened and confused a lot of the time. This is why I need to have things the same as much as possible. Once I learn how things happen, I can get by OK. But if something, anything, changes, then I have to relearn the situation all over again! It is very hard.

When you try to talk to me, I often can't understand what you say because there is a lot of distraction around. I have to concentrate very hard to hear and
understand one thing at a time. You might think I am ignoring you-I am not. Rather, I am hearing everything and not knowing what is most important to respond to.
Holidays are exceptionally hard because there are so many different people, places, and things going on that are out of my ordinary realm. This may be fun and adventurous for most people, but for me, it's very hard work and can be extremely stressful. I often have to get away from all the commotion to calm down. It would be great if you had a private place set up to where I could retreat.

If I cannot sit at the meal table, do not think I am misbehaving or that my parents have no control over me. Sitting in one place for even five minutes is often impossible for me. I feel so antsy and overwhelmed by all the smells, sounds, and people--I just have to get up and move about. Please don't hold up your meal for me--go on without me, and my parents will handle the situation the best way they know how.

Eating in general is hard for me. If you understand that autism is a sensory processing disorder, it's no wonder eating is a problem! Think of all the senses involved with eating. Sight, smell, taste, touch, AND all the complicated mechanics that are involved. Chewing and swallowing is something that a lot of people with autism have trouble with. I am not being picky-I literally cannot eat certain foods as my sensory system and/or oral motor coordination is impaired. Don't be disappointed if Mom hasn't dressed me in starch and bows. It's because she knows how much stiff and frilly clothes can drive me buggy! I have to feel comfortable in my clothes or I will just be miserable. When I go to someone else's house, I may appear bossy and controlling. In a sense, I am being controlling, because that is how I try to fit into the world around me (which is so hard to figure out!) Things have to be done in a way I am familiar with or else I might get confused and frustrated. It doesn't mean you have to change the way you are doing things—just please be patient with me, and understanding of how I have to cope. Mom and Dad have no control over how my autism makes me feel inside.

People with autism often have little things that they do to help themselves
feel more comfortable. The grown ups call it "self regulation," or "stimming'. I might rock, hum, flick my fingers, or any number of different things. I am not trying to be disruptive or weird. Again, I am doing what I have to do for my brain to adapt to your world. Sometimes I cannot stop myself from talking, singing, or doing an activity I enjoy. The grown-ups call this "perseverating" which is kind-a-like self-regulation or stimming. I do this only because I have found something to occupy myself that makes me feel comfortable. Perseverative behaviors are good to a certain degree because they help me calm down.

Please be respectful to my Mom and Dad if they let me "stim" for a while, as they know me best and what helps to calm me. Remember that my Mom and Dad have to watch me much more closely than the average child. This is for my own safety, and preservation of your possessions. It hurts my parents' feelings to be criticized for being over protective, or condemned for not watching me close enough. They are human and have been given an assignment intended for saints. My parents are good people and need your support.

Holidays are filled with sights, sounds, and smells. The average household is turned into a busy, frantic, festive place. Remember that this may be fun for you, but it's very hard work for me to conform. If I fall apart or act out in a way that you consider socially inappropriate, please remember that I don't possess the neurological system that is required to follow some social rules. I am a unique person—an interesting person. I will find my place at this celebration that is comfortable for us all, as long as you'll try to view the world through my eyes!

*Author, Viki Gayhardt

A Very Mellow Weekend

We had such a wonderful weekend. It was so mellow and quiet. Griffin spent most of his time making things out of legos, such as pictured here: the Simpsons. I think that he did a great job! I got lots of school work done, started my final exam for my history class. It will take a few days to complete but I think that if I am careful enough I can make a really good grade.

I was formaly invited to join the honour society of the university that I attend (online) because I have made straight A's so far and hope to continue along that path. I am certainly putting lots of hard work into my classes so I have my fingers crossed.

I must add that I am grateful for our health because just about everybody that I know is sick. I am very strict about both of us washing our hands as soon as we get into the apartment, I think that it helps prevent a lot of sickness. Griffin is pretty much over putting his fingers in his nose or in his mouth so that helps too. Since he was born, there are only a handful of times that he has actually gotten sick and each time did not last very long. And he has never taken antibiotics either, simply because he would always vomit as soon as he felt them in his mouth....and yes, even the liquid kind. So we have always been blessed with good health and boy does that make life a lot easier.

We have finally gotten an amazing case manager who is getting things done and is on the war path to get the darn IEP meeting that I have practically been begging for since the first day of school......uhm, since August!!!!! I have spoken to everyone that I need to but they keep coming up with excuses and blowing me off each time I bring it up. Tracie is our champion and she is definitely going to come through for us!

I am still searching for a psychiatrist who accepts medicare and/or medicaid but have had no luck in this area. So, I am looking further away into the next town....there's bound to be at least one somewhere. I've got to find one soon because I need help managing my meds and besides, I am about to run out of some of them. I do have a great therapist but the clinicians that they have there I am not happy with. For the most part I have been pretty stable but I have had to take an anxiety pill a few times to help me out.

Please pray for my dearest friend, Tina who has been very ill. We have known her and her family for a very long time and expect that she/they will be with us for many years to come. But please take time to think of them and send positive thoughts their way. Our lives are so much richer having them in it and I am very grateful for all these years that we have known one another.

A Stressful Day

Here Griffin is in the pool at the YMCA and notice that it shows "5 feet". No one bothered to ask me or to inform the volunteers that Griffin couldn't swim and where the hell did they put him? They expected him to hold on to the side of the pool the entire time and the the idiot of a volunteer was taking the kids from the edge to swim on their own back to the edge. Damn good thing I went there because I had to scream at the guy, over the voices of 60 children, to NOT do that with him because he cannot swim!!!!! This is some guy who was stuck there with about 15 children and thank goodness the male lifeguard was right there too because sure enough Griffin let go of the edge of the pool and almost drowned!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Words cannot even begin to describe the panic and fear that I felt in a split second. The lifeguard reached over and got him out of the pool and I promptly took him away from the pool for the rest of the time. Griffin wasn't scared but I was scared enough by myself. Needless to say, I was very angry and swore that he would not participate for the rest of the week.

I spoke to the woman who was in charge of the program and let her know that I thought that the whole thing was a bad idea because there were not near enough volunteers there and that they had no right to put my child in the deep water without even knowing if he could swim or not. They just assumed that all the kids could save their own lives I guess. Griffin was not the only one to nearly drown, a little girl who went unnoticed a lot longer was truly scared to death and they kept trying to get her back into the pool after that.......such idiots!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Griffin had such a great time I hate for him to not go back because he just wouldn't understand why he couldn't. So I insisted that he have a life vest tomorrow or he will not participate. I took him to the doctor this evening because I wanted to be sure that he didn't aspirate any water. He is okay. While we were there he got his flu shot and his H1N1 vaccine.

I can't really go all week because I am a full-time student and need that time for my work but be sure that I will be there tomorrow to make sure that they follow through. If I am not satisfied then he unfortunately will not go back and I will just have to find a way to help him understand. I want him to be able to participate with his class/friends for socialization but this was just too much.

Got to go to bed.

Once in awhile I have this tsunami-sized wave of loneliness hit me and last night was a doozy. I was missing my ex-husband with whom I had been with for 10 years, found out that he had been cheating on me for years and it devastated me for a very long time. But of course when I feel lonely I forget about all that pain and only remember all the good times that we had. I do wish that I knew how he was and communicate with him once in awhile but he is in Greece and has been since right after Griffin was born.

I miss my dear friend Glenn who is in Alaska with whom I would hang out with every weekend watching movies, talking, and eating pizza with pepperoni and jalepenos. We had such a great time together but I had to leave to go to the lower 48....so here I am. Tried dating but it is just a pain in the butt, trying to get to know someone is not something I find entertaining.

I feel better today, the daytime is good that is unless I hear a song on the radio that makes me tear up and feel blue again. Nighttime is the hardest part especially since my friends here do not answer their phones or return my calls. Guess they do have a life of their own. I'll be okay.

Griffin is doing so well! He has been so happy and mellow lately....we have had such a good time laughing, playing, dancing, and singing (he doesn't like my singing, don't blame him). He has been doing his homework with such ease and he sits there as long as it takes to get it done because he does not want to get a zero. I am so proud of him, he is such a big boy!

The weather is awesome today and the weekend is going to be in the 70's, hope we can get outside and do something. Griffin doesn't really like to do things outside....that is unless the computer was out there LOL.

I am a bit disappointed with the school because they still have not organized an IEP yet, guess they'll get it by the end of school. Don't know exactly what goals they have for him if they do not have one to go by. The one from his previous school is lame. It shows that he needs to have special help with reading when he is the top speller in his class and is reading at least 2 grades higher than his peers. At least he does have a very nice teacher, I do like her a lot.

Griffin is going swimming all next week for 2 hours a day at the YMCA which should be fun. I am definitely going to watch to make sure that he is okay because he really needs one on one supervision and they will not be providing that. Besides I want to see him have lots of fun.

My OH My How He Has Grown!

Here is a picture of Griffin and his service dog Abby, who has been with us for over 4 years...maybe it has actually been more like 5 years. The time goes by so fast and Griffin is progressing in leaps and bounds. He has been doing so much better since I requested the increase of Abilify up to 10 mg., not so moody and much more stable emotionally and mentally he is able to focus and attend to his tasks.

Still no I.E.P meeting and that bugs me, I have practically been begging for one since the first day of school! All of the staff and his teacher are all wonderful and seem to have his best interest in mind but I am concerned that since he does have autism and that they are not so familiar with it is why it is taking so long for them to get all his testing done and to have a meeting for goal setting. One thing is for sure is that since living in Anchorage, Alaska, this has been the best school so far. Nothing will ever compare to Kathleen and all that she had done for Griffin and for me too for that matter. I still miss her terribly and wish that we could have her here with us.

I weaned myself off of the Lamictal and the Effexor that had been prescribed when I was in the hospital because they made me feel so manic and my head felt as though I was always just getting off of an elevator or just got off of a boat. I am still searching for a psychiatrist who knows what the heck is the right thing to do for me and to know which meds are going to be most effective. I am still having to take 2 Attivan to help me sleep on top of the Rozerum which used to work on its own but not anymore. I wake up in the middle of the night bumping into walls with my forehead and when I get up in the morning I feel like I am drunk, slurring my speech and can barely hold my eyes open. Once I take my morning meds. which includes Provigil, I am just fine for the rest of the day.

Went to a pulmonary doc who wants me to do another sleep study and to cut back on my Provigil and Attivan. I do agree that I am probably over-medicated but I need something that works put it their place. If by chance in the middle of the night I take my CPAP mask off then I don't get adequate sleep and feel horrible in the morning, as if I had not gotten any sleep at all. I do not know why I take it off other than I feel like I am suffocating, this is why we need a new sleep study to see if there is enough pressure or too much for that matter.

Griffin spent the night over at my sister's and her family. Griffin and his cousin had a great time together and didn't even squabble the whole time! Which is rare. My sister said that he was very well behaved and was a great little guy the whole time. I think that it is good for both of us to be apart sometimes in order to fully appreciate one another and to "miss" each other so that we are less likely to take our time together for granted. I think that may be the case for any two people who spend all of their time together. It is a healthy thing to do.

Well, I have a research paper due and I have been putting it off for some reason, I love working on it but cannot seem to motivate myself to finish it, which is highly unusual for me. I must add that I have had a plethora of appointments since the assignment and I have not had a very big window of time to spend on it, only bits of time here and there which I find very frustrating. Just as I get my creative juices flowing I am interrupted and have to stop.

The weather is gorgeous and I adore the autumn, my favorite time of year. The air is so crisp and clean, the temperature is perfect, especially if it is sunny and with perhaps a little breeze. I love getting out my sweaters and putting on my boots. If only it could stay this way for a few more months it would be so great!

Prayers and Positive Vibes for My Brother

My brother almost left this earth 3 times on Tuesday evening as his heart stopped and he had to be resuscitated. I went to see him in the hospital today and he is not in the clear yet although some of the major concerns such as his liver enzymes and a very low blood pressure have improved. There is a concern that he is going into a very deep sleep and it is very difficult to wake him. The nurse was concerned but of course had no answers.

It breaks my heart that my dear brother is lying so helplessly in that hospital bed. He has been having seizures for quite some time now and nobody has any clue as to why. I want to go to see him everyday but I don't know how his wife and the medical staff feel about that. I don't want to be a bother but I love him dearly and want him to know that I care enough to come to visit him and to see his wife, have a short conversation with her and to let her know that she is thought of as well.

That is all for tonight. Not feeling very cheerful but in a few days I will post again and let you know how he is and how we are doing otherwise.

What Does a Mother Do with ALL These Fears?

When I can't sleep at night, I lie awake thinking of all the things that scare me so much and what I could possibly do to avoid them or to remedy them should anything ever occur. The one that bothers me the most is that something happens to me in some manner and I am not able to care or look out for Griffin; for example, if I fell and got knocked out for a long period of time or if my meds caused me to not wake up or something. Who would know? How would Griffin understand that something is wrong with mommy? There is nobody nearby who checks on us daily or even weekly for that matter and if I should happen to not answer a call or two they would be none the wiser.

All I can think of is my precious child trying to find ways to feed himself and how he would be without his medication and probably would be running around here manic as hell and feeling quite helpless and perhaps even scared. I ponder the thought of teaching him to use 911 but would he understand when it is truly appropriate? I am going to teach him to use the directory on the land line and to call my sister or his godmother if mommy doesn't wake up. I can only hope that this would work and that he would know when to call and how to get their attention that something is wrong.

How does one overcome these fears and sleep at night, especially when we are all alone and the neighbors don't even pay attention to whether we leave the apartment or even whether Griffin gets on the bus for a day or more. For sure they wouldn't come knocking at my door. The manager has an older autistic son and I am going to ask her what she might suggest since she does live upstairs from us but she cannot be "friends" with us due to her obligations as a manager.

I am desperate for answers and welcome any and all input on the matters above. I just wish that there was someone to rely on to help us who was nearby. Guess that I should try to get to sleep, I look forward to hearing from my fellow bloggers and friends. PLEASE HELP!!!!

No More Snuggles

Griffin is really growing up and one of the biggest indicators is that he no longer wants to snuggle. It is bittersweet indeed, I am glad that he is becoming so independent but at the same time he is just doing it so fast and it kinda brings tears to my eyes.

We increased the Abilify to 10 mg. and it seems to be helping a lot=fewer meltdowns. Today I sent him to school without the Focalin XR so we shall see how that works, it would be great if I could take him off of it.

On the weekends he is on the computer most of the time searching for videos of funny commercials such as Geico, M&Ms, Aflac, and his favorite shows like Sesame Street, Teletubbies, and Wishbone. I am always in the same room with him just in case he stumbles across one accidentally that is a homemade video which may have a bad word in it. He is quick to change it as soon as he hears it or I let him know that it is not okay. He sure does get a lot of joy out of watching them and dancing around when he hears songs. The only thing that is not really so great is that he now has ecolalia and can recite them verbatim...over and over again. Oh well, it could be worse.

School is going great and I am working on a research paper about Alexander the Great, the man he was and the relationships that he had. Mostly information about him that most people never hear or read about. I am loving it and think that it is wonderful to have the opportunity to research something that is so intriguing.

The weather is so perfect this time of year, my favorite season...especially here in the mountains. It is my first fall in many many years back here in my homeland and I am loving every moment. Griffin thinks that it is pretty neat too. Haven't even turned on the heat yet but soon.

Loves to Dance, Especially Disco

My handsome big boy has always loved to dance and the older he gets the more into it he is. I was recently told that there is a dance class for special needs kiddos nearby and I am going to hop on that one right away. I sure do wish that the video was longer so that you could get a big belly laugh and thoroughly enjoy how much he is enjoying it.

He loves disco so I am going to find a compilation cd that has old disco hits on it so he can dance his little heart out as much and as often as he likes. I think that it is a great release for him and helps him cope with stress. Not to mention, it is great exercise which he doesn't get enough of. Actually it may be even more enjoyable for me to get a DVD of those old hits so he can watch them dance and pick up some new moves just like he did with YMCA.

He usually doesn't like it when I dance with him so I just stand back and take videos and snap pics of him and he loves that.

His unacceptable behaviors have increased so I am going to talk to his doctor about increasing the Abilify as he is having more mood swings lately. Some days it is impossible to get him to do homework and I refuse to give him the Focalin just for that because then he has no appetite and will not eat dinner. Since he won't eat lunch at school, because of the Focalin XR, he has to get some food in him in the evening.

Life is tough some days but I still love it and refuse to complain about him. He is still the joy in my life and I love him beyond compare!

A New Perspective on Autism

Please go to the link above and check out this woman's perspective on autism. I think that it is beautiful, enlightening, and the truth for me and our situation. Griffin is truly the epitome of unconditional love, this is what he has taught me since the day he was born. It is a sad world that we live in that so many conditions are placed on one another when we say that we love one another.

By the way, Griffin is the TOP speller in his class and is reading at 4th grade level and perhaps even higher. He needs to be re-evaluated to see where he is academically. He loves riding the bus and he loves going to school. He often talks about his classmates and especially how much they love his show & tell each Tuesday.

Autism Research/Changing My Direction

I have happily decided to change my major to child and family development so that I can eventually get my master's in autism research. I am so thrilled with my decision and cannot wait to get my general education classes finished so that I can move on to my core requirements.

I know that there is now a new statistic that every one in 91, that's 1% of children are diagnosed with autism and I feel that it will continue to increase. Therefore, the need for more research will be necessary not only now but in the future. It will be an exciting field to be in and I want to be part of it.

I just read online/in the news that Obama approved 60 million dollars towards autism research which is very encouraging. There is so little known about it and in so many different aspects of it that it will be an ongoing effort in order to solve the puzzle and to get what these children (and adults) what they need the most. It is especially important that the adults get what they need because so many do not even have an advocate to help them along in life. It is a shame that they need to go to group homes or assisted living which, I believe, compromises their need to be more independent.

I shall get off my soapbox for now but I must make you aware that I will be writing more and more about this as time goes on.

Griffin's Godmother

Things are going just fine now that I do not have the sources of stress that I did have. I have caught a member of my family in two and most likely three lies and there will never be trust again. Then she tried to manipulate me into making her the sole guardian of Griffin after I had chosen someone else whom I trust implicitly and love dearly. But that's not going to happen, I am keeping the same person as Griffin's Godmother and nobody is going to change my mind....Period!

Griffin adores her and balls his eyes out when we have to leave her house, I love the interaction between them, the love is obviously mutual. I feel good about it and have no doubt in my mind that it is a sound choice. I don't care what anyone else thinks or feels about it and they can be as judgmental as they want to be but it makes no difference to me. When he is with her he just beams and runs around with glee.

If and when I leave this body then I will feel safe that my child is in the best hands that he possibly can be and that he will continue to have an advocate and a lot of love and patience in his life.

Stomach/Anxiety Problems

I have had stomach issues that have progressively gotten worse over time, to the point of vomiting pure acid. I had to sleep in a chair Saturday night so that I wouldn't get sick. I had so much anxiety that I couldn't sleep and had to take my prescribed dosage of 2 Attivan for sleep.

I have been stressed over my family and the fact that they have been talking behind my back and that I have been accused of doing things that I would never ever do, not in this lifetime! Ever since getting out of the hospital it has been nothing but one stressful situation after another with them. If not for that then I would be just fine and have nothing to worry about although I will be absolutely broke in the month of October. I usually don't stress over things like money and this is no exception because I know that it will all work out. However, when people talk about me especially when I am not around to defend myself and in the hospital, THAT bothers me!!!! And to add fuel to the fire, it was highly suggested that I not hang out with my friends, the ones who helped me when my family wouldn't, the ones who I grew up with right after I got out of the hospital. So there is the proof that things are being said about me and it was decided that I shouldn't have anything to do with this family of friends....of course that was "not" a source of stress either LOL!

I am not a child and Griffin and I are doing fine on our own, we did it for 5 years in Anchorage and we can do it again. At least up there I wasn't having stress related physical problems. I came here to have support but I will not accept help conditionally and be treated as though I have no wits about myself and cannot make sound decisions on my own.

I am just going to steer clear of everyone in my family and refuse any help in October, I will get by without them one way or the other. I may have to pawn something but I will get by. At least we do have food stamps (some but not a whole lot) and if I go to the discount grocery then I think that I can make our food stretch. The only catch is that Griffin will only eat certain foods and they do not always have those foods. I'll figure it out.

I was supposed to have an endoscopy today but didn't have a ride home and I sure do need to have it done. Something is terribly wrong and it is just getting worse. My Attivan only works when I take 2 at night, during the day when I only take one it doesn't give me any relief and tends to hurt my stomach.

Griffin's School Performance

This is Griffin with his familiar smiley face as he sits and waits for his school musical performance. I wanted to put a video on here but it was too long to be uploaded. Griffin didn't sing but the whole time the other kids were singing he danced. The crowd loved it and especially at the end of each song they would clap and Griffin would take a bow. He is so darn adorable people just can't help but love him.

Griffin's teacher brags that she and the classmates just adore him, that he is quite popular. Tuesday I took "Chucky Sue" the Chinese Dwarf Hamster, to show & tell and Griffin answered questions as the children would raise their hands and he would choose who to call on. The interaction was incredible and it was the first time that I had seen him socialize in such a manner. He seemed quite proud of himself and the fact that his mom and his pet were there and that the kids were so thrilled to see the hamster.

I am so glad that we moved and that he is in such a wonderful school/classroom. He has progressed in leaps and bounds. I am also glad that I stopped home schooling him so that he could have the opportunity to socialize and be around his peers. I feel that for any child this is essential. Otherwise how could they know when they grow older what to do in social situations? It is especially crucial for autistic children to do this because they do and possibly will always be delayed socially.

Each night I give thanks and tears come to my eyes when I think how far he has come and how bittersweet that he is growing and developing so fast.....we have come a long way. I have a collage that I made of his younger years and look at it each day and can't help but to smile and remember how much joy he has brought to me and how much I have learned along the way...from him.

Please Pray for Our Friends

My dear friends at Autism Schmatism are having a tough time as they have had a death in the family. So please visit the blog and give your support and let them know that you care. We love them dearly, they are so beautiful and loving. Please pray for them.

Feeling Better about Life

I am over it now and life goes on. I have returned to being grateful for the friends that I do have and especially for my little, not so little, guy. Griffin helps me to live in the present and I love that,so things are going well and I am not going to complain....not for awhile at least LOL!

Mental Illness and the Lack of Concern

It always amazes me how people dismiss mental illness issues as opposed to physical injuries. I have had so little support and not even heard from those whom I thought were very dear friends to me. THAT HURTS LIKE HELL! Even my own mother didn't call to see how I was doing! Damn good thing that I am not suicidal because it would be a good time to check out.

As if it is not hard enough to get through all this and raise an autistic child then I don't even have the support that I need to feel like anybody gives a damn. I now have 2 people who are here that call to check on me and I truly appreciate that. Had to stop talking to my sister because all she would do is minimize my issues and trigger me to no end. I do have friends who call from afar and e-mail me to see how things are going and to show their concern.

It sucks to have a mental illness and how people treat me as if I had some kind of disease that they would die from if they contacted me. Thanks a lot people! Having horrible attacks of anxiety every day that are debilitating isn't enough, it is HELL to feel like I am hardly cared for and loved. My anxiety meds don't work for me and I am on the max dose. So now my PTSD is full blown and I can't get it under control. Sure wish that I was not treated that way too bad I wasn't in a car accident, I would have had flowers and everything!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I am a Blessed Individual, I am Grateful for All that I have

Griffin will be taking O.T., P.T., and Speech this year (privately). We are also working on getting him back into O.T. swimming because where he goes for therapy has a pool! Unfortunately, I am going to have to stop the horseback riding. It is just too far away and even though we got a scholarship the money is just not there, sad to say. Maybe next season we can start all over again.

Griffin is still doing great in school! The only obstacle that we have right now is that he won't eat. He refuses breakfast, then takes his Focalin XR then he won't eat his lunch either. For dinner he still does not have an appetite and only wants one carb, like fries, mac & cheese, or bread. I wish that I could afford to get him some vitamins. The challenge there is too that it is hard to find one that he will actually take. I have wasted so much money on trying out vitamins for him. The doctor suggested that he take the gummy kind so when I have some money, in about 2 months, I can get him some.

Finances are very very poor this month, I frankly do not know how we are going to make it through. I hope that we have enough food and gas. Since I have therapy now, about 4o miles away, and Griffin has therapy plus doctor's appointments each week I have to be super careful with how much I drive. I just give thanks each day for what we have and have faith and a positive attitude that the universe will work it all out for us. I hate it when people say "it could be worse" because that just minimizes what we are going through. I wish that they would just be positive and say something like, "you are a blessed person" thus reminding me that we do have a lot to be grateful for.

I have learned throughout the years of therapy that validation is so important for someone who is going through a crisis and for someone to minimize just adds salt to the wound. It is not the way to support someone and show them that you really care and that you are trying to understand what they are going through. For me, my crisis and challenges are real and just because there are people out there who have their own challenges doesn't make a difference to me because it is my life that I am living not theirs. Giving someone positive support is the way to go and I am not one to complain either so I consider myself to be a positive-forward thinking person. So just an FYI for those of you who might slip and say that to someone, try to think before you speak and show some LOVE!

What an Adventure Life is

Just got out of the hospital. Had a horrible manic attack and had to be taken by ambulance to the hospital where they admitted me. My pulse was 140 and they had to give me two Attivan to get it down.

No need for details, I have already e-mailed the people whom I wish to know about them. But I met some really cool girls on that floor, some whom I will always keep in touch with and will never forget.

They told me that the tough part is not going through the stay there but once I got home it would be worse and boy was that the truth. I had an anxiety attack my first night home and couldn't sleep for hours, woke at 4:00 then decided to take more meds to help me sleep just a little bit longer and well, it lasted way longer than that. I woke when Griffin did but couldn't stay awake all day. So, I am here to confess that I was "out of it" for a couple of hours while he was awake. I hate it but it is the truth.

I have an appt. to see a psychiatrist on Monday so that I can be sure that my meds are still working okay and that I will for sure get new prescriptions for next month. I am very relieved by that.

Had to drop my classes for this month because my books won't be here until tomorrow. That is a bummer because I was looking forward to having enough to keep me occupied while Griffin is in school. Not to worry though because I can start at the first of next month. In the meantime I will just start reading my text books.

Griffin did really well going from one house to the other while I was away, they all said that he had lots of fun. So that helps me to handle the fact that I missed him so badly. My sister even brought him in to visit me once and boy did that help me get through the rest of my stay there. Although I cried plenty, I got over it more quickly because I got to see his big smile and have lots of hugs.

Everything is Going Great !

Griffin had his first lesson on Friday and he did a great job listening and following directions. The instructor was simply awesome and made sure that the boys didn't get bored. They did exercises while on the horse and played games too. Griffin has no fear of being atop such a large animal, he seemed perfectly delighted.

School is going great as well. His teacher has sent home notes every day letting me know that he has had a wonderful day and that she is so happy to have him in her class. He is taking the Focalin XR 5mg each morning and it seems to be helping him out quite well. He loses his appetite during lunch but has breakfast and dinner so the doc said that it's no big deal.

We spent Saturday with Griffin's guardian, Stephanie, and had a great time. Griffin loves her so much and talks to her all the time that he is with her and on the phone as well. She has been such a wonderful support for us and so much fun to spend time with. We both love doing the same things and sit and talk for hours drinking lots of yummy coffee.

Can't wait for school to start! I miss Griffin while he is in school, I have stayed busy cleaning and made two collages; one of Griffin and one of my niece and nephew and now I read blogs and read my ancient history book. Hopefully I will begin school on the 7th...I am so excited to begin!