Monday, March 12, 2007
I Want To Change My Medication
I have shared so much about myself and my challenges with my Bipolar Disorder so much that I feel like I can write this and be honest and not have to worry about being thought of as "crazy", at least not by my blogger friends. I have been thinking a lot lately about how my life has been while taking this medication "Abilify" and it has not been a bed of roses that's for sure. It has been brought to my attention by those closest to me that I look and act like I am stoned/on drugs (like street drugs). I have realized that I have NO motivation for anything at all, not things that I used to enjoy like art, photography, exercise, and stuff as simple as watching movies/TV. I feel as though I am just existing and going through the motions of living. Before taking this medication I was full of life and sometimes anxiety too but nevertheless I was for the most part living a full life. Now I truly feel disabled, I mean , it is an effort for me just to take a shower or groom myself as I used to and to me that is really sad. I have made the decision that I am going to ask the doctor(psychiatrist) that I see on the 21st to change my meds for me. Hopefully he/she will cooperate with me and let me try something different. I am so tired of living this way and moving around like a three-toed sloth. It is disabling me not helping me to be more productive or to be an active member of society, I feel paralyzed. All I do all day is to sit down in front of the computer when Griffin is not in need of help with his schedule and do basically nothing of worth here. You'd think that I would be writing in the blog each day as much as I sit here but I do not because once again..........I simply do not have the motivation to do anything productive or meaningful in my life. I do miss my therapist and my ANP in Anchorage and I wish that I could get their opinion on my decision but alas, I cannot :( I will be at the mercy of this new doctor and I can only hope against all hope that he/she will be understanding and help me out. Maybe I shouldn't be so candid on this blog but it is my outlet, my journal of sorts and I feel that I will get support or at least some advice from my friends that will help me to do what is best for me. I just don't think that there is any quality of life present nor do I feel like I am being the best mother that I could be to Griffin. This where my candor ends and my journey begins. I will ask you to wish me luck with this new doctor and hopefully with new meds. Thanks ahead of time for all your support my friends, I certainly do need it.