Single Moms Raising Autistic Sons

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Wednesday, September 15, 2010

I'm Not Special

Just imagine how you would feel if you heard your child say those words, "I'm not special". That's exactly what Griffin told me last night when I was talking to him and told him that I wanted to start playing play-doh with him. He told me that he did not think that I should play with him because he was not special. Tears began to well up in my eyes and my heart started breaking because I knew that I had failed. I had failed my child because I had not taught him that he was special even though I had told him so, it wasn't enough. I had not made him feel special.

Where had I gone wrong? What had I not done right to make him not feel like he was special? Not knowing the answer to this is perplexing and definitely a good question for the psychologist who we are seeing today. I think that I know the answer but I want to present it to the doctor first before I put it up on the blog. It would be incriminating but I feel that I am guilty of this and that it is all my fault that he feels this way. I just don't know what else it could be if not for me. We will see what the good ol' doctor has to say because I trust him and his opinion.


Melissa H said...

Honey, you are so hard on yourself! I would venture to say that Griffin doesn't quite grasp the meaning of the word, "special". I'll bet that it has an entirely different meaning in his little brain.
Perfect example: Conor tells strangers all of the time that he loves them. We've tried to explain to him that love is for people that you really know; you know their name, their favorite color, their favorite food. So, in turn? He started asking strangers their name, favorite color, favorite food. After he received the answers, he would then say, "Now I know you! I love you!"

Dear friend, I will guarantee that Griffin knows he's special; he just has a different word for it. <3

popsie said...

I was going to suggest that perhaps he said this as part of asd is having low self esteem and self belief. My kids are hard on themselves in this way and I really try not to think of it as something I have done or not done, as I kind of know it's part of the condition. It really isn't the same as not feeling loved in their case. I know by your blog that you have not neglected your son in any way you are a brilliant mum and sometimes I find when we are heavily involved with professionals it can have a negative effect on the parents self esteem, I know this isn't a popular belief but it is how I feel when I'm around these people too much. I enjoy my little ones best when we amble along with no direction from others!!

@jencull (jen) said...

You, and we, know how special he is and don't think anything negative of yourself for what he said. I am in agreement with Melissa, I think he may have a different interpretation of what the word means. Maybe children in school or his teacher have mentioned him being 'special' as in special needs and he is disagreeing with that meaning. I hope you can figure it out soon. Jen xxx

sheila said...

Lora, Griffin is the luckiest child in the universe to have a
Mom like you. I agree, I think he was using a different interpretation of the word. If anything, maybe he was saying... I'm not special- needs... You don't have to play with me all the time. As he gets older, he is gaining more independence. Understanding more and more. And part of that is understanding his feelings. Maybe that was his way of trying to tell you he wanted to do something by himself????? I keep thinking of Temple Grandin's quote, different, not less! So many things have to be looked at that way.
But for goodness sakes, whatever he meant, it had nothing to do with what you have or haven't done for him! You are the best mother I know! I love you dear friend. And we all know that Griffin is SPECIAL and it is not his autism that makes it so.... There is something in his spirit and soul and deep within his eyes that just tells you, he is a very special little guy, with a very special and amazing mom!