Depression Again

I am having a hard time right now....so depressed that all I do is basically lie on the couch and either read or watch TV. I do get the house work done, barely, but it does happen. I do feed Griffin but oftentimes he bugs me to feed him more often than I want to because it seems that all he wants to do is eat sometimes I think it is out of boredom. I know that I should take him out of the apartment more but my depression has such a grip on me that I just can't motivate myself to get out and take him to the park. Sometimes on the weekend we go to the lake or on Fridays after I pick him up from school I take him to the lake or to the park and we walk Abby. My camera is ruined now, it got wet so I can no longer go out and take great photos which was something that I truly enjoyed, so I am no longer motivated to go out and do that because I have no idea how long it will be before I can afford to go out and buy a new good camera again since I won't settle for a lousy one...if I did I might as well use the cell phone.

 This in not the kind of depression that I can just shake off, I am Bipolar and this is clinical depression the kind that is inside and out, I have been on medication for years for my mental illness. I am a rapid cycler which means that I can have mood swings more often than by most even by Bipolar standards so my doctor has his work cut out for him to keep me stable but he does very well. I have had this one for several years and he has kept me stable and treated me in the hospital with great compassion more than any other doctor I have ever had. I am so happy that I moved here and found him, what a blessing it has been to be here because Griffin has great teachers too.

I am trying to not sleep too much because I know that it contributes to depression so even though I am on the couch mostly I stay alert, I try to move back and forth to the computer too and write in the blog, on Facebook, and in the book. Then I have my daily journal and I also read my Discover magazine and I have a book from the library that I am reading called, "Beyond Religion Ethics for a Whole World" by His Holiness The Dalai Lama. I am excited about it because I think that it will take my mind off of what is going on yet help me focus on my spirituality which in turn could help me find an additional path to better get through this angst and abhorrence which it seems there is no end in sight. I have faith in my doctor, completely and implicitly but the way it feels is different because the anxiety is overwhelming and I am so hard on myself.

I need a lot of love from my friends and family but mostly from myself that matters the most. I need understanding and support in order to pull up out of this depression because just medication is not going to help me the doctor said as I wish it would...guess I have a lot of work ahead of me. It is going to take a lot of time to get through this.I am seeing my psychologist on a regular basis and also my psychiatrist.