I Just Can't Say it Enough, I am Grateful!

There is nothing more valuable and precious than the present moment. I have just recently learned to appreciate this to the fullest extent and this realization has made me the happiest person I know...other than Griffin who has me beat on smiles and laughter (but I am working on it).

To live in the past or to worry all the time about the future is just a waste of time not to mention worrying about how things Should be instead of what is really happening and accepting that as reality. We don't live in reality when stressed out about yesterday, what someone else is doing or has, what someone is saying about you/judging you, or expectations of how things should be in the moment rather than what really is and loving it for what it is. Because even the times that we think are the worst can turn out to be a blessing in disguise. If only we stay grateful for our blessings focusing on them rather than what we desire or think we need especially material items. Perhaps you have some kind of illness chronic or even terminal, there is no reason to disregard that but at the same time there is still plenty of positive things, people, and blessings in one's life.

I say all this because not once have I felt that Griffin's autism was anything but a blessing and that no matter what he does or how he behaves, he is my gift and I appreciate EVERYTHING about him! Even when he was hitting me, having huge meltdowns in public, and I especially appreciated him even before he was talking at age 5. It's those challenges that make all the milestones and accomplishments that much more beautiful and precious!

My Fibromyalgia is not a curse in my perspective, nor is the PTSD that I have had for most of my life, they are merely challenges that I need to overcome and I know that I will because I am going to persevere. What I like to say is that, "Everyone has challenges every single day and it's not how bad they are it is just how you play your cards with what you have been dealt".  I used to wallow in my sorrows making every attempt to drag down everyone with whom I came into contact down with me but gone are those days and I do nothing but to bring sunshine to each person whom I meet. And ever since I made that conscious decision, I have had so many compliments each day about how I make people whom I come into contact with on a regular basis, their days happy when they had sometimes otherwise been boring or bad. This just gives me the impetus to continue to smile and cause others to smile and think happy thoughts. I stopped complaining even if I feel bad because after all who wants to hear about all the bad stuff happening in your life?

I believe that deep down inside we all have the capacity to be happy because happiness is a CHOICE, it doesn't just plop down in your lap one day and say, "Here I am!" We choose to happy or miserable by the thoughts and words that we chose and whether we choose to live in the moment or not. So be mindfully aware of your body, your thoughts, and your surroundings at all times it takes some effort but the payoff is sooooooo worth it!

Having a Hard Time Getting into the Routine of Going to School

School has begun and Griffin adores his teachers Ms. Jay and Ms. Fore however he is still having sleep issues as far as getting up in the middle of the night then sleeping in late and waking up groggy having great difficulty getting motivated. It is a quandary indeed. I guess that we will just go with the flow and do our very best to make it to school as often and as early as possible without aggravation and frustration.

I am thrilled with his teachers as well and hope that Griffin has a great year regardless of his challenges. I am just glad that he is happy to go even though sometimes it is really hard to get going. As far as that goes it is difficult for me to get motivated too so we are quite a pair in the mornings around here. Regardless, we do our best to be positive and optimistic through it all.

My Fibromyalgia is kicking my butt and it is a struggle to make it through the day getting done all that needs to be done and to stay in a good mood is so really hard when I feel like crap...like I have the flu. My entire body hurts like it has been pummeled and I am so exhausted that it is as though someone has taken a gigantic syringe and sucked out every ounce of energy that I have from the moment I wake up progressively getting worse as the day goes on. It makes me want to crawl into a shell and hide from the world. But I know that that only leads to depression. So I do my best to muddle through with a smile on my face, sing songs whether I feel like it or not, and to make myself function and be productive at least a little here and there.

We Received a Blessing in the Mail

To Anonymous who commented on my last post, or rather about the comments that have been left, for Griffin's safety and mine I had rather not post our full names but if you would like to e-mail me please go to my profile and you can do so from there. It would be nice if I knew your name too by the way :) Cheers!

Griffin got me up at 2:30 a.m. bright eyed and bushy tailed he was but not me. It took me a long time to struggle to make coffee, quite watery the first try and by the second try I made a very strong cup of java. However it didn't help and at 5:00 I had to take a nap for an hour. Then at 7:45 we had to go to the doctor for him and he fell asleep on her table as she was examining him. Now it is 10:00 a.m. and he has been lying on the floor where he plopped an hour ago. I just gave him a blanket and let him be. Cutie pie.

Yesterday was quite a busy day indeed. We had to go to my foot/ankle doc at 10:30 a.m. because I got an infection in my ankle due to a small cut on my heel. I get infections so easily since I have type 2 diabetes he told me. I have to be more careful about giving myself a pedicure from now on. I had exfoliated the callus from my heel and inadvertently exposed the crack/cut on my heel making it susceptible to infection. And since I go barefoot at home well, let's just say that it just wasn't the smart thing to do.

I have been doing affirmations to fill my mind up with positive thoughts and drown out the intrusive thoughts of negativity and memories of my past traumas. It has been so fulfilling to actually see the manifestations of the efforts that I have put forth. The most recent being a significant amount of money via check that simply appeared out of the blue. I nearly just threw it away as it appeared to be fake when looking at it through the envelope window as so many gimmicks in advertising try to make them seem real so that the unsuspecting recipient falls for it. But low and behold when I called the phone number on the check it verified it as a federal tax refund but the real mystery was that I have not been required to file taxes for years now. I am calling child support division in Alaska to see if it was from Griffin's father's taxes to pay towards the enormous amount of back pay that he owes. Doesn't matter really because I am just grateful for the blessing no matter where it came from.

LIFE IS GOOD AND WE ARE BLESSED!!!!!

We Laughed and Had a Pillow Fight

Griffin and I spontaneously had a pillow fight that I initiated and we had so much fun laughing so hard, the best part was that he told me in the end with a big hug, "Mom, you're the best!" Wow , I felt so good after that no words other than him telling me..I love you in Greek would ever fill my heart with so much joy. The euphonious sound of his laughter is the most beautiful sound in the world! I am blessed to be able to contribute to that and hear it every day.

My "Schmookie" as I call him got me up at 2:30 a.m. and it took me quite awhile to wake up but once I did we had a lot of quality time together all day long. I helped him do his exercises that his PT taught me to increase his flexibility because his core is weak causing a chain reaction throughout his entire body especially with low muscle tone and very tight muscles. She said that if he were to become more flexible then it would not only increase his endurance but in turn strengthen his entire body increasing overall health. So we are doing them together because I can use it too.

I have not only been writing more in my book but I have decided to write a few articles that specific audiences might find interesting and submitting them to publishers of specific magazines. I am so excited because I have been doing affirmations on success and prosperity and already I can tell the difference in my motivation to succeed and be better off financially. Affirmations are just short sayings that focus on your intent and it has to be specific and concise. Such as, "I am successful in my writing endeavors that give me financial prosperity." or "I am healthy in body and mind in every moment of each day."  It doesn't work if you use negative words such as, "I have no pain". Because your mind will focus on the word pain and then you will find that you actually have more. That is why when people complain it actually makes their illness and suffering worse. One reason that I have little tolerance for those who complain or talk about how sick they  are because it is self defeating, negative, miserable, and I know that it can be helped. Everybody has something or more to be grateful for and we need to focus on that saying those words out loud each day in order for abundance to continue.

We attract what we speak and think...words and thoughts are very powerful, don't underestimate the power that you possess. Those words and thoughts can easily sabotage your very happiness that you desire and strive for. Or are you stuck in your story in misery? It much easier to have fun and enjoy this existence rather than having hell on earth.              

One of My Wonderful Readers Asked...

...How do I prepare myself and know what to write when I write in my blog?

Well, writing just comes easily to me. Once I sit at the computer or have a pen in hand it just flows because I have so many thoughts that I need to convey and have for my "immortality" in memoirs, that I can hardly keep up once I get started. Usually I constrain myself when writing on my blog as to not give away all the tales since I am writing a book and need to save all the best for those interested in our life story in paperback or online.

It is my hope that I will have the courage to complete my book and I have all the good intentions but must first face my demons from my past in order to put them down on paper and not have worse PTSD symptoms than I already do,( I am working with my new therapist doing EMDR for that very purpose). This is why I dedicated my blog to my wonderful son and in attempts, some more successful than others, to keep track of milestones and memories of his progress and happy times (a few challenging ones too I might add).

I guess that the best answer is, for my reader, to have a quiet time without any distractions so that you can clear your head of the noise of other thoughts bombarding you. And if you feel blocked and nothing is coming to you then probably you are still thinking too much actually. Trying too hard perhaps. Just stare at the paper or computer screen and simply focus on the topic(s) that you want to write about and the ideas/words will flow.

Since starting meditation I have found that if I meditate on just two short words SO on the breath IN and OHM on the breath OUT...but only think them do not say them aloud. All one has to do is to pay attention to the breath even when thinking the two simple words. As it is done for only about ten minutes a calm and relaxed, even a feeling of being refreshed, will come over the entire body and the mind causing a more mindful sense of the moment/present. I have found that I can even meditate while walking and doing other things because all it takes is being mindful, focusing on the breathing IN and OUT slowly and clearing the mind except for a mantra of the two sounds/words. Just staying in the moment not letting oneself become distracted by thoughts of the past, future, or needless worry. It is so incredible and so easy to do!

Thank you for your question and please anyone else who wants to comment or has a question then please do feel free to let me know. If you don't want to make it public then you can contact me via e-mail if you go to my profile.

Have a wonderful day everyone!

I Changed the Comment Settings

For some reason my comment settings were set only for members of this blog to comment...sorry. I meant to set it so that anyone can comment, now it is fine and anyone can comment.

I look forward to getting comments again because it really brightens my day to see that there are still people interested in the blog.

I plan to spend more time reading all the blogs that I follow of my dear friends because I have really missed you all.

Griffin and I laid in the grass yesterday watching the clouds go by and figuring out the shapes and it was so much fun, he really enjoyed it. I gently told him that it is important that we spend less time with technology and more time doing the free and really important things in life such as being outdoors and enjoying nature. That it is essential that we spend more time playing together using our imagination and laughing together. And sure enough he has complied without any complaints. Now we snuggle together more and laugh so hard and he doesn't even miss the TV, computer, or not having a smart phone anymore.

Life is so good and we are so blessed!

Griffin Is Having So Much Fun at Swim Lessons

It really bugs me that I no longer have a way to take photos of Griffin anymore since I don't have a smart phone or camera anymore because I would like for you to see his gorgeous smiling face when he takes swim lessons. He is having such a great time and learning so much. Unfortunately the best teacher there at the Y is gone for awhile since her mom has breast cancer and she went to be with her. I feel bad for her and we will miss her because she specializes in autism and has such a great personality.

I can't believe that summer is almost over and school will start soon. I sure will all the fun that we have had over the summer, I am kind of glad that Griffin didn't go to camp ...that is my selfish self since we have laughed and played so much.

My meditation is still continuing and it has helped me transform into a much nicer and much more compassion/understanding person. I guess that you could say that I am proud of the happy positive person that I have become.

Our Summer of 2014

The first pic is a collage that Griffin put together on the computer for his blog, "The Character Blog" and the second is a fairly recent photo of him.

He is now 5 ft. 9 inches and about 180 lbs. I am teaching him the Greek language as I used to speak it fluently because I taught myself since I was married to a man, fresh from Greece, for 10 years while living in Alaska.. I also taught myself to read and write Greek therefore I will teach him the alphabet and numbers and later to read and write it which is pretty tricky yet easier than English. I have heard, when I went to Europe several times, that English is one of the most difficult languages to learn/speak.

Griffin and I are having a fantastic summer. We have been staying quite busy indeed going to our appointments almost daily then fitting in swimming and going to the lake to feed the geese and ducks. Griffin just adores the little ducklings and goslings. It is all than he can do to resist picking them up. It boggles my mind how parents do not respect animals enough to supervise their children to respect wildlife and not pick them up because they are so fragile and their tiny wings can be damaged. Just because they are adorable does not make them pet-like and cuddly like a puppy or kitten. They are wild animals and should be treated as such they are not domesticated.

Speaking of domestication...I have read  The Four Agreements and The Mastery of Love by Don Miguel Ruiz and I highly recommend them both. They have changed my life completely! I am a new totally positive individual who resists and avoids negativity as much as possible. If someone is negative around me then I do my best to turn it around. Don Miguel writes about how we as a society are domesticated into believing lies that the media and other people tell us on a daily basis. We have learned to live by a certain set of rules that our parents programmed into us as well as our society as a whole and in the interim we forget our innocence as a child and grow up. Forgetting how to play and have fun in a wholesome way. Oftentimes our idea of fun is to go out and drink alcohol and lose ourselves in other people ideals of what we should be while always stressing out by trying to live up to their standards.

I have decided that I am going to get in touch with myself through meditation not medication and to live in the moment appreciating all that I am blessed with and to forget my worries about the future and past. It is not easy to forget my domestication and all the restrictions that have been placed on me but by golly...it sure is worth it in the whole scheme of things! I have a brand new appreciation and respect as an Aspie for Griffin and all that he goes through as someone with classic autism. I have realized that we have more in common than I had ever thought before. We both have sensory issues, auditory/verbal processing issues, and we both think out loud in order to process our information. 

Since I have started my transformation and meditation, Griffin and I have been getting along so much better. So much so that we interact much more rather than sitting in the same room in our own little boxes doing our own insignificant things. Now he doesn't have meltdowns anymore and no longer yells at me and I am a better mom as well. I am continuing on with reading books that encourage my transformation and if I watch TV I do not watch commercials that tell me that I should be or look a certain way in order to be accepted or to love myself nor do I watch regular news that only focus on the negative and not the real news of what is going on. I watch the PBS or BBC news that is strictly news and not human interest stories because PBS and BBC do not have a limited world view.

I am going to get back into reading my friend's blogs and leaving comments to let them know that I am thinking of them and care about what is going on in their lives.

My Photo Collage of Special Memories

I just put this together, I need to make a more current one but have yet to print out the pics.

Hopefully you can see the details in this. Sadly the only thing missing is a pic of my mom which I couldn't locate but I will be sure that she is in the next one. I will be doing it soon.

This one has my dad, Abby, our kitty Pisgah from when we lived in Alaska, my brother (God rest his soul), and my parent's dog Jade ( God rest her soul). A couple of me and one of the ex husband, Spiro's (the love of my life who was present when Griffin was born). He and I lost touch..he is in Greece now.

Griffin spilled milk on my/this brand new phone and nearly ruined it. I got upset because I cannot afford to replace it and caused him anxiety which he gets so very easily these days....so I am taking him swimming so he/we can decompress.

We are both looking forward to summer break. Busy schedule ahead.

Cane Creek

We Miss Our Abby Girl!

Yesterday I finally found the courage to take Abby our retired service dog to the shelter to be euthanized because she has been in a lot of pain for quite some time. She had hip dysplasia or arthritis in her hips because it was difficult for her to walk and to get up and down,  especially in the car.

I cried all day but when I told Griffin he took it very well saying, "I knew today was the day that Abby died!" I didn't tell him that I had her put to sleep only that she died.....I guess that when he is older I will explain it to him because eventually he will read this blog and besides, he deserves to know the truth.


Abby was about 2 years old when we adopted her around 10 years ago, Griffin was only 2 years old himself. 
I got her because I had noticed that when my friend 
Nina`s dog was around that he didn`t have self injurous behaviors like banging his head so then I went to the shelter in 
Anchorage and discovered our angel. She was named 
Valentine but I wanted a name that was easier for 
Griffin to pronounce. Since then, for 9 years, 
Abby had litterally gone everywhere with us....on trains, buses, in the cabin of the airplanes, cars, and always accompianed us in the stores. She was so loved and a big part of our family bit 
I just couldn`t let her suffer anymore. I felt so selfish keeping her alive. 
Her suffering has ended,  she lives on in a better place, and forever in our hearts and memories with great fondness.

We also got a new cat from the shelter named" Link". He is a 5year old orange tabby and very affectionate.  Griffin loved him immediately! I don't know how to add a second photo since I am doing this from my phone but will add one in the next post.

Dot is tolerating Link and Link is really cool about Dot, I think they will be buddies eventually.

We Are Doing Great!

Griffin is growing like a sprout.........more like the Jolly Green Giant actually! He is now 178 lbs. and 5 ft. 7 inches. He towers above me and gives great hugs! With each passing day he is more and more affectionate and we get along just splendidly! If we happen to have a disagreement or he isn't listening to me and I get impatient with him, it is really brief and we make up right away.

`I couldn't get this picture rotated because it was sent like this and couldn't be changed.
But here is Griffin next to one of his all time favorite mascots.

Griffin's favorite pastime is collecting advertising icons and mascots, photos, characters, and drawing them. I encourage him to create his own but so far he is just into imitating other established ones. But boy is he ever really good at it. I will take a picture of them and post them. He has his own blog "The Character Blog" that he writes in once in awhile.

I adore him so much and am so very grateful for every single moment in this life that he is alive, each moment that I can share with him. Blessed Be!

Griffin as Colonel Sanders of KFC

Griffin wanted to dress up as the late Colonel Sanders of Kentucky Fried Chicken because one of his most favorite things to do is to draw, search for online, and collect advertising icons from days past.

So last night he thought that he would take it one step further and look like the real thing by putting white paint in his hair.

We are still doing intensive in home bit we don't really need it anymore because things are going so well. His behavior is stellar and he is sleeping much better as long as I don't put him to bed too early. He still goes to school late but the teachers and I have that all worked out.

Griffin at the Sleep Study

Last weekend Griffin had a sleep study conducted and it was miserable!  He patiently allowed the technician to place all the electrodes all over his head and body but he was so uncomfortable that he couldn't sleep all night. On top of that he was scared because he was in a strange place and they wouldn't allow me to sleep next to him.

By the time we got to sleep in the wee hours of the morning the tech came and woke us up at 5:00 a.m. Griffin took a shower to get the goop off then went back to sleep, I wasn't able. I got him up at 10:00 for breakfast he fell asleep on the way home then once home, we both fell asleep until 2:00 in the afternoon.

Not only was that night miserable but it took us several days to catch up on our sleep.

Griffin and Hugh

This is Griffin with one of his Intensive in Home workers.

Griffin Is So Affectionate

When we go to feed the ducks and geese, Griffin just can't resist picking up a duck because he wants to snuggle with everything he loves so much.

It Is My Goal As Griffin's Only Parent In His Life To Teach HIm To Love HImself For Exactly Who He Is.

Griffin enjoys spending time outside our home, going out and seeing people, mostly adults because he simply doesn't understand his peers and his peers don't seem to understand him even though they are friendly and will greet him that is as far as it goes. The teachers at school say that the kids are nice to him but he reports to me that all he does at recess and P.E. is stand around by himself. This greatly concerns me because he not only asked me why it is important to have friends (at school) but I just I am also concerned that he is just relying on me as his sole relationship where he gets all his attention and friendship from. However, he does see his Intensive In Home team three times a week and his respite provider once a week he just does't have any interest in interacting with his peers. When the neighborhood kids are outside playing and making noise he gets very upset by this and yells out the window or runs out the front door to tell them to be quiet in a very angry and frustrated tone. 

Maybe I shouldn't care so much, after all I do have friends who homeschool their children and tell me that they do not have social groups for their autistic kids. I do not know that it is a great idea to not help them learn how to socialize with individuals their own age because I do want him to have a fun childhood where he experience the joys of being carefree and playing while developing friendships with kids who could be there for him as support throughout his school years. I also think that it fosters strong self-esteem and self worth especially now that he is in puberty and he doesn't seem to understand the dynamics of the importance of knowing someone who has things in common with oneself so that he can learn more about how the world works not only as an autistic individual but learn how neurotypical kids differ yet could be a buddy to him as well. The neighborhood kids have tried playing with him but Griffin can't participate with them in the way that they want him to. He is not at the same level emotionally, physically, or developmentally so there is a gap there and I don't know how to bridge that gap and help them to find a way to get along. So they end up ignoring him and walking away when he comes near or if they stay they don't try to talk to him but I can't blame them completely because Griffin doesn't know how to communicate with them either.

After all it is a hallmark of autism that the individual only likes to talk about himself and the things that he is interested in and has difficulty talking or showing interest in what the other person wants to talk about or do. This is a big problem when trying to socialize because in order to get an autistic individual to come into your world and out of his is to make an effort in showing interest in him and what gets him excited such as with Griffin he is interested in commercials and advertising icons especially the vintage ones. He has all of the icons and mascots memorized and loves to look them up on YouTube and to draw them for hours. He collects the plush toys too (has way too many as a matter of fact but he takes great care of them). And because Griffin is so emotionally/mentally young for age 12 his peers are not interested in playing with the same kinds of things that he does. He does a lot of imaginary play with his toys. His therapist said that it is harmless and that it shouldn't be discouraged, that he will grow and develop at his own rate and time.

I want Griffin to be happy but to have a rich experience as a child before he becomes a teenager and doesn't want to do things that a child does and becomes interested in things that are perhaps more dark and violent such as video games or something along those lines that teenagers get into. He may not though because he is a furry and furries are forever. They grow up into adult furries who dress up in costumes and have an exclusive group who go to conventions and have online chat rooms where they can communicate with each other so that they can be understood and feel accepted. Possibly even finding someone who loves them for who they are and does not judge them as being weird or inappropriate, Griffin does know how to love unconditionally and accept others for who they are without judgment, he is such a sweet boy that I worry about him. He will find love but I just hope that no one takes advantage of his kindness and naivete. 

I know what it is like because people have taken advantage of me my whole life and treated me like I am stupid. I used to be referred to as a dumb blonde, now it is as if I am invisible now that I am not the attractive blonde anymore but just a plain Jane who refuses to conform to society's  pressures to look and act a certain way in order to fit in. I refuse to put that kind of pressure on myself as I used to and to have that level of anxiety and to be a practicing alcoholic who self-medicates in order to try to fit in. I don't ever want Griffin to feel that pressure, I want him to feel that he is perfect exactly the way that he is and to be proud of being autistic. If he wants to wear pink and play with toys then others will just have to deal with it. I am teaching him to be himself and to nurture the person he is as being different and that if others do not accept him then that is their problem not his. They have a narrow mind and don't know how to love others for who they are which means that they do not love themselves because they project hate and disapproval due to society's norms.

I hope that all parents teach their children to love themselves for who they genuinely are and to not try to fit in socially just because that is what the media and the religions, and the schools and government teach us.....to conform. If it means that he doesn't play with others who do not accept him then so be it! He prefers to play alone anyhow and I know that one day someone, even if it is only one person, someone will accept him and love him as the person who he is and will show interest in his interests and talk to him for hours.