To Griffin: As You Grow Older, You Will Always Live in My Heart

My Dearest Griffin,

As I watch you grow into a young man it brings tears of joy yet my heart aches too because it means that one day, as time rushes by, you will cut the apron strings and be independent....needing mommy less as time goes on. I wish for you, my love, to be happy above all and to find love in a different way, that I cannot provide, and experience all that it brings to you. Right before my eyes you have grown and progressed far more than I had imagined you would at this age. On the 31st of this month you will turn 8 years old and I can't help but to think of how far we both have come. It seems like yesterday when I first held you in my arms and cried because I had never felt such intense joy and love in my life. I cried because I was grateful for such a blessing that I didn't think that I deserved but, we were destined to be together. And to this day I give thanks for you, my precious son, and for all that we have been through together. We made it through 5 years in Alaska as mommy was having severe depression while trying to get you all the therapy and help that you needed. It was a very hard time for both of us as we were very isolated from the outside world. I had virtually no support and many days would pass without even seeing another soul. The winters were especially hard for both of us. We both had severe insomnia and it took years to finally find a way and the right medicine so that we both could sleep. You weren't talking back then and I wondered if you and I would ever be able to carry on a conversation or if I would ever hear you tell me that you love me.

I have not mentioned the autism because it is merely a part of you and the two will never be seperate, therefore I am grateful for who you are and everything about you. With each passing year the autism is less distinguishable and now you have come to a point where you are actually making friends at school and in the neighborhood, you are also learning how to better communicate and you seem to be very proud of your accomplishments. There are still times when you have trouble with transitions and moving to your own bed is one of them. You keep trying, bless your heart, but each time you are drawn to snuggling with mommy and you know what Griffin? I am having a hard time with letting go as well.

You and I are bonded forever and no matter how independent you become, I will always be by your side one way or another to lend you a hand if need be or to shine the light for you to walk the path you need to on your own. I must prepare you for the day that I am no longer around, which means that I must practice letting go little by little and to teach you about the world so that it won't be a scary place when mommy has gone away. I do not plan on leaving you, Griffin, for I shall fight to the bitter end to be around for you whenever you need me.

I can't help but to wonder what the future holds, what with dating and all, and how you will react to the girls when that time comes. You are a handsome boy and I believe that the girls will notice you but will you even care? Those are just silly thoughts that pass through my mind but mostly I live in the present in order to not take for granted the blessings before me. In some ways, the autism has been a gift for us that has given us strength to get through all that life has thrown at us. We have made it so far without the help of your father. I do hope that you get to meet your father one day. He was a kind and big-hearted man when I knew him, but something went awry and mommy doesn't know why he disappeared . But I will do all within my power to help you if that is what you want, you have so much of him in you and it makes me proud because he was a good man. Sometimes life just doesn't make sense.

As long as you smile and laugh each and every day, I will assume that you are happy and that things are going smoothly. The rest is minute and I know that we can handle it together. Mostly, what I want to say to you is "Thank YOU" for being in my life and teaching me so much and showing me that life is beautiful, that there is more positive than negative and that is what we must focus on. I ask nothing of you because your mere presence and your smiling face is my gift and I know that, as you have shown me, with time your behaviors will subside because I will always make sure that you have the best doctors and the best medicine that will help provide a better quality of life. You are an intelligent child, Griffin, and you are learning so much and so am

 I!