Wednesday, August 08, 2012
Griffin and I went to a Family Support Network meeting last night and it is sad to say or good, depending on how one views it, that it was the first one that we had been to. I think that I had been apprehensive to go in the past because of Griffin and the childcare there that I had anticipated and sure enough he ended up coming downstairs with the adults and interrupting the meeting to a certain extent towards the end because for whatever reason they could not hold his attention in the kids class. I did at least talk him out of going home early and got to stay the entire time so I did give him big kudos for his patience for waiting for mom and using his "scribble pad" (doodle pro). He got extra computer time when he got home before bedtime.
I am not at liberty to discuss in detail what we discussed what happened at our group due to an agreement that I signed but I can say that our topic was self-care and personally for me my self-care is very limited. Due to my Fibromyalgia, Bipolar Disorder, and the problems that I have with pain in my, feet from surgery in my right foot and the need for surgery in my left foot, I have limited mobility and get depressed and feel guilty about not doing much with Griffin. And when I do push myself to do things I end up paying for them and by being on the couch for the rest of the day or the next day totally useless. Good thing I have a darn good psychologist who I include as part of my self-care.
To me self-care is reading a book or watching my science shows on TV, reading my friend's blogs and getting on Facebook. I gave up on lingering in the shower a long time ago since Griffin finds ways to interrupt them....what the heck, they are over rated! One day I will take baths again when we move to a place that has a nice bathtub. With Fibro self-care means getting enough sleep and rest or else I am totally useless to myself and especially to Griffin so I faithfully take my sleep medication and I rest on the couch during the day if necessary. My body hurts all over and I have overwhelming fatigue. I try to swim when I can which helps too and when Griffin goes back to school I plan to do it more often. It is hard to get motivated when it hurts all over and all one wants to do is sleep but once over the hump it feels good.
Now, I told my friend Jennifer, all I need to do is to socialize! How the heck do I do that? I feel so awkward, I have no self-confidence, it's been over 10 years since I have in a social setting with a man and I just don't feel good about the way I look! She asked me now that Griffin is going back to school what am I going to do with all my time? And I had no answer. I don't know! There will be swimming at the YMCA and cleaning the apartment and doctor's appointments and errands WOOPEE! Maybe I will get back into yoga and meditation, back into reading Joseph Campbell and into my spirituality more. Start going back to the Unity Center more on Sundays and meet some people there and hang out with them but will Griffin hang out with their kids? Worth a try I guess. I am so timid, when I used to be such the polar opposite. I used to take risks like none other especially when I was in the FBI, before Griffin was born but now it is like I just don't know the middle ground. I need to set an example for him and show him how to socialize. How can an autistic child be expected to learn those skills when his own parent is not even experiencing them herself?
Any suggestions as to how I can socialize during the day in a safe way to meet decent respectable men who would be safe for Griffin to be around.....eventually? I don't believe in letting him around men anytime soon after I begin to see them if there is anyway around it unless it was at church or something it would be different.