Single Moms Raising Autistic Sons

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Thursday, June 17, 2010

Loneliness and Emptiness

It is not even yet 24 hours until I see Griffin again and I am dying of loneliness and the emptiness of this place is eating me up inside! My heart is literally hurting and my breath is shallow as if to want to stop as if the life of me wants to cease to exist. It is only proof that my life is in that precious child and this "me" time is bogus and all that I needed was a few days of it and enough already! If there is not another adult around to keep me busy then this empty apartment and the lack of anything to do is killing me!

I spend a lot of time on Facebook as I have a big support network there and I have had a few friends tell me that this time is for me and that I need to back off and let Griffin alone during this time because it is a time for him to grow, for us to grow and they were is true that I need to allow him to grow and become more independent. I told one friend that there is no one around to police me and show me how I am keeping him from thriving as an independent child so of course I protect him and probably a bit too much. I do this because he cannot do it himself but how can he learn if I don't give him the opportunity? I must learn to let go of him and it is a son-of-a-bitch! It is the hardest thing that I have ever had to do in my life....just to think of sending him in the men's bathroom out in public and wonder if he will be able to protect himself if someone makes advances towards him.

I read a book to him, "The Right Touch" and asked him questions throughout the entire book and made sure that he completely understood the reason that we were reading the book. At the end I asked him what he should do if someone tried to touch him on his penis or his bottom or if they tried to touch him if he didn't like it and he said that he should scream out loud, "Stop it I don't like that" and run away, then he would go and tell me or another trusted adult. So, he got it right and I just have to trust that it sunk in and that he will retain that knowledge and that he will never have to use it. But if he does then I hope that he does it with great conviction and that he does tell me that something happened to him. I just have to trust the powers that be that we are taken care of and let go of it.

I have done all that I can do and I am trying not to stress over not having anything to do. I am also trying not to stress over not having any money....literally! I have enough money for a gallon of milk and that is it until the end of the month! I honestly don't know what I am going to do. I thought that I was going to get a student loan check this week and I just called and I found out that that is not true. It sure gets old not having any money but usually we are taken care of and somehow money comes through for us out-of-the-blue so I have to trust that somehow it will happen again and not get upset.
The only thing that got me through Monday, Tuesday, and Wednesday was the fact that a dear friend came to visit and we went up on the Blue Ridge Parkway and took some great photos. I just love living in the mountains, it really feels like home! I already miss my friend and look forward to seeing him again too bad he lives far away....but I am grateful for the time that we did get to spend together.


Melissa H said...

Letting go is hard, and all of us moms have to do it eventually. Know that what you're going through IS difficult, so try not to beat yourself up too much about it. It has to be done, but that doesn't make it ache any less. Sending him to that camp was incredibly brave for you and crucial for Griffin. You're a good momma. xoxo

DebV said...

I so understood your anxiety of waiting for Griffin to come home. All Moms experience this emotion, even those whose children do not have Autism. I love the photo of Griffin sleeping. I'm a sucker for sleepy photos.