Thursday, June 17, 2010
Loneliness and Emptiness
I spend a lot of time on Facebook as I have a big support network there and I have had a few friends tell me that this time is for me and that I need to back off and let Griffin alone during this time because it is a time for him to grow, for us to grow and they were right....it is true that I need to allow him to grow and become more independent. I told one friend that there is no one around to police me and show me how I am keeping him from thriving as an independent child so of course I protect him and probably a bit too much. I do this because he cannot do it himself but how can he learn if I don't give him the opportunity? I must learn to let go of him and it is a son-of-a-bitch! It is the hardest thing that I have ever had to do in my life....just to think of sending him in the men's bathroom out in public and wonder if he will be able to protect himself if someone makes advances towards him.
I read a book to him, "The Right Touch" and asked him questions throughout the entire book and made sure that he completely understood the reason that we were reading the book. At the end I asked him what he should do if someone tried to touch him on his penis or his bottom or if they tried to touch him if he didn't like it and he said that he should scream out loud, "Stop it I don't like that" and run away, then he would go and tell me or another trusted adult. So, he got it right and I just have to trust that it sunk in and that he will retain that knowledge and that he will never have to use it. But if he does then I hope that he does it with great conviction and that he does tell me that something happened to him. I just have to trust the powers that be that we are taken care of and let go of it.
I have done all that I can do and I am trying not to stress over not having anything to do. I am also trying not to stress over not having any money....literally! I have enough money for a gallon of milk and that is it until the end of the month! I honestly don't know what I am going to do. I thought that I was going to get a student loan check this week and I just called and I found out that that is not true. It sure gets old not having any money but usually we are taken care of and somehow money comes through for us out-of-the-blue so I have to trust that somehow it will happen again and not get upset.