Sunday, January 29, 2006
Not Just "The Blues"
I must say that I haven't been feeling that great lately, my depression has still got its ugly grasp around my throat and the increase in meds hasn't helped me yet. My ANP increased my Abilify from 10mg. to 20mg. but she also said that it can take up to a month for me to feel the difference. As I wait each day to feel different, and I'm not holding my breath, I struggle to keep my head up and can't even seem to force a smile when I go out in public. It seems that since I have been so low that little things bother me so very much and I can't seem to shake 'em. For instance the baby pictures that I have of Griffin, for some bizarre reason I didn't put dates on them and now I can't even tell you what age he is in this photo and it is bugging me really bad. I know that I shouldn't beat myself up over something so trivial but it really makes me feel like an inadequate mother. "How silly", you must be saying, but to me it is something that was so simple to do but for some reason I failed to do it. I have no way of knowing how old he was in the pictures and when he reached his milestones. I can only guess.
Another thing that is bothering is that my ANP told me that I have Psychomotor Retardation which means that my mind and body have slowed down considerably due to the severe clinical depression. It is so hard to think and to process information, even the simple stuff and I move like a three toed sloth. I even read that there are similar symptoms to dementia. There's nothing like reading about yourself , knowing that it is true, but also knowing that there's nothing that can be done about it. At least not until the dark veil of depression has been lifted. One thing is for sure is that I have had enough energy to go through the motions of living and caring for Griffin. My memory is so poor that I have to keep a daily journal to be able to recall what I did the day before.There is no laughter in my life, no playing around with my child the way I once did, there's no trips out of the apartment unless it is absolutely necessary. We are isolated. Griffin does go to school 5 days a week full time so he does get out of the apartment.
I am apt to start crying at a stupid commercial on TV and there's not a damn thing I can do about it . Tears started welling up in my eyes the other day when a friend of mine told me that her husband was leaving for 4 months to go out of town for work. I guess that I was feeling sad for her because I can't say that I am sad that he is going even though we are good friends. It's things like that which make me feel really uhmmm........."dumb" for lack of a better term.
Severe clinical depression is not something that you can "just get over". It's not just SAD or "the blues" it is a significant imbalance of chemicals in the brain that only the right medications can help or should I say, the right "combination" of medications.
I am writing this not because I feel like complaining but perhaps that it may help someone who is suffering the same ill effects of clinical depression but may be undiagnosed. It is crucial that if someone is Bipolar like myself and has bouts of depression and unexplained bouts of excitement, euphoria, or anxiety that they seek out professional help and get the proper medications. Also Bipolar Disorder causes more than just regular insomnia it can cause people to not sleep for days on end. Without my Seroquel I wouldn't be able to sleep at all and I am not exaggerating.
So, for those of you who frequent my blog, aka my blogging buddies, and you notice that I haven't written much on my post well, you'll know now that Lora is having a rough day and the words just can't seem to come to her. It is then safe to assume that I am okay as long as there is some kind of post within a few days of each other. Even if there is only a picture it means that I am keeping my head above water and I do still care about the things that are important to me like this blog. It means a lot to me to communicate with others and if I only get through to one person out of the average 65 people a day who visit my blog , then it will mean the world to me. I've just gotta keep on trying and sharing my stories and maybe I'll make some new friends along the way. You just never know in this blogging community. The support here is phenomenal and I have to say that I appreciate each and every one of you and the kind words of encouragment that you have so graciously given to me.
Griffin is doing just great and still playing with his abc/123 blocks, his letter tiles, his PowerTouch book, his abc/numbers puzzles, and his V-Smile. I decided to only allow him to play with the V-Smile for short periods of time so he doesn't lose interest in it. Griffin is still pronouncing out words and I don't mean sight words either, totally new words he can sound out and figure out the words. I got his progress report and his teacher, Kathleen, said that he is working with materials from Kindergarten and get this..........First grade level reading and math!!!!!! Griffin will be only 4 years old on Tuesday January 31st.
One thing that depression hasn't stolen from me is the pride that I feel for my little genius. :)