Tuesday, March 21, 2006
Why He Means The World to Me
As I sit and watch my DVD of "Monty Python's Holy Grail" I recall my years before I was a mother hanging out with my friends laughing uncontrollably and having no cares in the world. Well, I thought that I had no cares in the world but indeed there were issues in my life that I had not dealt with and were causing me constant pain. There were the good times when I would party and have fun with my friends but underneath I was "damaged". Without going into details I can just say that there have been incidents in my life that were far more traumatic than the average person experiences within one's lifetime. The point that I am attempting to make is that before I became a mother I had been through some pretty rough stuff and after working undercover for the FBI doing drug sting operations. Having been brutally attacked a man was put in prison for what he had done to me. I thought that it was the end of the road for me and that I would never recover no matter what happened. I didn't realize that I had become pregnant and once I found out I was scared . When I found out that I was pregnant long before my attack I was elated. The healing began immediately and I was becoming an expectant mother rather than just a survivor. I told the father of my child and he seemed to be happy but that didn't last for long as he made promises and then disappeared forever. Little did I know that this child would be the most beautiful, incredible, and precious thing to ever happen to me. This beautiful child was and is my precious Griffin Blaise and I will forever treasure him as my own gift from the universe. Regardless of how my life was before he came into this world and all the adversity that I have lived through and the fact that his father will never be seen again, I am the happiest mommy in the world. When I hear his laughter, see him smile, or just listen to him breathe at night there are no more issues that I have to deal with, at least not while I am living in that moment. This time when I laugh it is from the heart not like the movie made me laugh. I now know what it is to experience the purest form of laughter/joy and I will never be happier than when Griffin is with me. The movie reminds me of a time when I didn't seem to have a care in the world but now I do have plenty of "cares" and I am grateful for them. Each day I have my own personal challenges in dealing with my past but with every morning that I awaken is a blessing especially when I go to wake up Griffin and he greets me with a big smile, a kiss, and "Hi mommy". I hope that perhaps you have an understanding of me as a person and as a mommy and when I say that I love my child it means that I truly, deeply, and madly love him from the bottom of my heart!!!!