Single Moms Raising Autistic Sons

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Saturday, December 17, 2005

Feels Like Winter on the Inside

It's cold and lonely here without my "sonshine". There is an emptiness about this place when he is gone and the tears will not go away. I know that it is the best for us but it is no consolation even though I know it should be. Griffin's welfare is tantamount to any doubts that I might have as to whether this is a good idea or not. I feel like I am backed into a corner and have been given no choice in the matter but consciously I do realize that those feelings are not rational and that I do have choices. I have made the "right" choice to protect my son and to care for myself.

I just spoke with Kathleen and she told me that Griffin kept waking up during the night crying. This just breaks my heart and I just want to go get him and bring him home to snuggle with him. I want to make this all go away, it's like a bad dream that I keep thinking I am going to wake up from. The silence is deafening but I don't feel like listening to music and there's nothing on TV ( I only get 2 channels) so I think that I will just have to go over to Kathleen's and visit Griffin. OMG, That is so strange, to say that I have to go "visit" my own child. I am just trying to get past this weirdness of being separated from him.

I can't help but wonder if Griffin's waking up during the night was from sleeping in a strange place or because I wasn't there or a combination of the two. I wonder too because of the autism if he even misses me when we are apart. He doesn't ask for me, he doesn't get upset when we are separated but does that mean that he doesn't miss me? Maybe if he doesn't miss me it is a good thing for him because at least that way I know that he is not sad. If there is a mother out there who believes that autistic children can and do actually "miss" their parent(s) then I would sure like to hear from you. I just don't think that because of Griffin's autism that he "feels" the way NT kiddos do. Maybe it shouldn't even be important to me but my mind keeps mulling it over and I can't come up with any definite answers.

Well, I am going to go to Kathleen's house and visit my favorite little guy, I told her that I would be over there at lunch time and it is nearly 12:00. I can't wait to see his smiling face and there is one thing that I am sure of........that my little guy is always happy to see me and boy oh boy does that make me feel good, there is nothing like that feeling. I just want to say thank you to my blogging friends who have been supportive of me and sending out hugs and words of encouragement. I would also like to publicly thank Kathleen for caring for Griffin in my time of need. I will be posting again today, this evening, after I go to visit Griffin.


Mr Ornery said...

For what it's worth, I worked with an autistic adult for three years and while he undoubtedly processed thoughts differently, I always had the sense that he was in some way glad to see me when I next came to work.

The expressiveness may not be there in any conventional sense, but if you think on it, you can no doubt recall moments where Griffin's actions suggested at least an acknowledgment of your presence. An example might be, but not be limited to, entering a room after he hears the sound of your voice.

As a dad who experienced separation from two sons through divorce, I can offer only empathy for the emptiness you must feel being apart from your son.

Now, having read some of your posts, I will check back periodically for updates on you and your son. Do not fear your own honesty. And when I sense that you have need, I will try to offer what I can by way of words of support and encouragement. Be well.

Incidentally, may I offer a suggestion for a diversionary activity that Julie (from whose blog I found yours) and a lady named Alexis have begun playing with me? We take word verifications and try to sound them out, then define them as actual words. Example here is: 'xmfrh' which I, of course, figure is 'the fur(h) of a xm', a 'xm' being a Dr. Seussian sort of creature.

Kiralea Powell said...

Hi Lora

Can i ask you a question? Does Griffin awake in the night at home and cry? if not i believe he is missing you. He may not ask for you but i believe this is his way of asking for you. I have visited Jordan at school in lunch time and when i have to go he has cried and said "mummy back" this is definately to me a understanding of his surroundings. His father has taken him out in the car and he has cried and said "mummy gone" or if Dad is waiting in the car for me to come he says "wheres mummy" and gets upset. He stops crying as soon as he sees me again. He has said to me before " i miss daddy" and got very upset. Jordans display of emotions have only started coming out in the last year and he is now 7.5 years old. griffin is still a lot younger than Jordan so if he is displaying these emotions now, that can be a wonderful prognosis for you and Griffin. I feel very optimistic for your SONshine. Jordan in general doesnt seem to care if we are seperated most days either but it is a good thing to practice because it is introducing him to changes that he will no doubt have to adapt too for years to come. He may feel sad missing you at night which shows he is missing the cuddles and affection from you in bed. I think that is a good thing because NT children express this behaviour so try to look at it in a positive way because he is showing that beneath his autism he is actually showing normal and healthy attributes.
Take care and hope this info helped as well. Hugs Kiralea

Tina said...

For Kathleen,
Hi Kathleen, my name is Tina and I also have a kiddo who is Autistic. I am Bipolar like Lora is and would really like to thank you for helping Lora and Griffin. ((hugs to you)) And many thanks.
We are here to support Lora and Griffin (even though it's online) as much as we can because we care about them very much:)
Kathleen you are a lifesaver and a very caring person to help with the little guy. You make the world a better place, thank you:)

Laura said...

Lora - hang in there. It sounds like Kathleen is a wonderful person, and a great friend.