Friday, December 16, 2005
The Latest News
I went to see my Advanced Nurse Practitioner today and she told me that I needed to change my meds in order to start feeling better from this depression. I had been taking Wellbutrin (as an anti-depressant) but she said that often times with Bipolar Disorder that the anti-depressant can actually cause depression to get worse. So, I am stopping the Wellbutrin and increasing the Abilify (mood stabilizer). I probably need to go into the hospital to get all this straightened out and take a much needed break but this time of year is the most busy for the psychiatric profession and there are no beds available. Griffin's teacher has agreed to take him for awhile until I begin to feel better. I am really going to miss him. OMG this is rough but I have to do it.
I am just not able to care for him in this capacity. For those of you who have ever felt depressed multiply that times a hundred and imagine what it would feel like. It is a helpless and terribly vunerable feeling, like I have absolutely no control over what my body and mind are doing. I feel so bad that my body is actually sore all over as if I have been beaten and I am chronically fatigued. My brain is in a fog, distracted, and spacing out all the time.
I have to keep in mind that taking this break from being a full time mommy is best for Griffin and that I do have a support system especially in this blogging community. I have just met a few new people here who are also manic depressive and have autistic children and what a relief to know that I am not alone in all this. It is so nice to communicate with those who know and understand exactly what I am going through. It is also nice that there are those of you who have reached out in loving support and offered to help in any way possible.
Griffin will be home from school soon and then I must prepare myself to "let him go" and get him ready to leave me. I sit here with tears welling up just thinking of my little guy leaving my side, sleeping without him near, and not hearing his laughter or seeing his smiling face. I have only been separated from him once in 4 years and that was last year when I had to have surgery. So it will be pretty darn tough but I must be strong for him, for us, and persevere to overcome yet another obstacle in our lives. The journey may be long but it's not the first one nor will it be the last therefore I must "hang in there" so that I can end up being the best mommy that I can possibly be for my beautiful little "sonshine".