I went to see my Advanced Nurse Practitioner today and she told me that I needed to change my meds in order to start feeling better from this depression. I had been taking Wellbutrin (as an anti-depressant) but she said that often times with Bipolar Disorder that the anti-depressant can actually cause depression to get worse. So, I am stopping the Wellbutrin and increasing the Abilify (mood stabilizer). I probably need to go into the hospital to get all this straightened out and take a much needed break but this time of year is the most busy for the psychiatric profession and there are no beds available. Griffin's teacher has agreed to take him for awhile until I begin to feel better. I am really going to miss him. OMG this is rough but I have to do it.
I am just not able to care for him in this capacity. For those of you who have ever felt depressed multiply that times a hundred and imagine what it would feel like. It is a helpless and terribly vunerable feeling, like I have absolutely no control over what my body and mind are doing. I feel so bad that my body is actually sore all over as if I have been beaten and I am chronically fatigued. My brain is in a fog, distracted, and spacing out all the time.
I have to keep in mind that taking this break from being a full time mommy is best for Griffin and that I do have a support system especially in this blogging community. I have just met a few new people here who are also manic depressive and have autistic children and what a relief to know that I am not alone in all this. It is so nice to communicate with those who know and understand exactly what I am going through. It is also nice that there are those of you who have reached out in loving support and offered to help in any way possible.
Griffin will be home from school soon and then I must prepare myself to "let him go" and get him ready to leave me. I sit here with tears welling up just thinking of my little guy leaving my side, sleeping without him near, and not hearing his laughter or seeing his smiling face. I have only been separated from him once in 4 years and that was last year when I had to have surgery. So it will be pretty darn tough but I must be strong for him, for us, and persevere to overcome yet another obstacle in our lives. The journey may be long but it's not the first one nor will it be the last therefore I must "hang in there" so that I can end up being the best mommy that I can possibly be for my beautiful little "sonshine".
7 comments:
thinking of you, and keeping you in my prayers. best of luck. sounds like a good choice for your health and ultimately the well being of your whole family!
see? This is proof of what a good mommy you are. You are putting Griffin's needs first, AND taking care of your own needs because that IS what Griffin needs right now.
((((hugs))))
I hope you are feeling better soon!
Hey Lora! You are absolutely doing the right thing. And what amazing strength that takes. Griffin knows how much you love him and he will be so happy when you are together again. I bet you will be too. You are a great mommy...you've got us, you've got the knowledge that you're doing the right thing, you've got Griffin's teacher - who sounds wonderful, helping you out like that, and you've got all of our thoughts, prayers, and hugs. Jenn's right...you're putting Griffin's needs ahead of your own, which will allow you to take care of your needs. Very very good move.
HUGS HUGS HUGS HUGS HUGS HUGS HUGS HUGS HUGS HUGS HUGS HUGS HUGS HUGS HUGS HUGS HUGS HUGS HUGS HUGS HUGS
I wish all parents were as selfless and thoughtful with regards to protecting their children. There are times in our lives, especially when changing over meds, that we simply can not be the kind of parent our children need for that very short time. Kudos to you for making sure he has somewhere safe and loving to go while your biochemistry gets realigned.
Hello there...I am new here(via the mommyguilt and rebekahspage sites)and geatly admire you for your courage and love. I do not have autistic kids and have only had major "pre-partum" depression. That was many years ago, but it still sticks vividly in my memory. It is certainly fine to take the meds you need to help you maintain yourself!! I want to pass on the name of a book that may help you and/or Griffin.
It is "Hearing Equals Behavior" by Dr. Guy Berard. It deals with auditory integration training, now known as digital auditory aerobics.
I know different treatments work for different people. I am for whatever can help anybody!!
Jodi Tucker (Akron, OH)
I am proud of you for making this most difficult decision for both of you. It is absolutely the right thing and it is good that you have someone Griffin trusts and you feel comfortable to take care of him.
We are here for you. I will email you privately.
Peggy Lou
Lora - sorry to be posting late, but you are doing a great thing for your son. Without a happy and healthy mom, life is so much harder for a kid. Just know that there are a lot of us out here in "blogspace" who are thinking of you.
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