Single Moms Raising Autistic Sons

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Sunday, December 18, 2005

Missing My Sonshine

I went to visit Griffin today and he seems to be doing really well. He was so engaged in playing that he didn't even want to watch videos. That made me feel really good. Later we sat at the table and ate lunch, Griffin ate his lunch while sitting properly in his seat which is something that we have difficulty with at home. I was so impressed with him and how well he was behaving . I made sure that I gave him lots and lots of hugs and kisses and told him how much I loved him.

9:30 p.m. I just talked to Griffin on the phone and I am bawling my eyes out. As I told him that I love him many many times, each time he would repeat it back to me, "I love you" which of course would cause even more tears. He even repeated to me "I miss you". Even though I was crying, I was happy that he was talking to me and actually holding the phone because at home when I try to get him to talk on the phone he usually pushes it away. My emotions are just all mixed up but I made it through it and I'm okay.

Since I didn't take the Wellbutrin last night I feel somewhat better today but I'm feeling the side effects of the increase in the Abilify which happens to be anxiety. So, I am depressed and anxious and it's not fun, let me tell ya. I didn't have any comments on my last post but I am sure that it is because everyone is out shopping and not online reading blogs. I feel so strange without that support each day. It's like I am a blogging junkie waiting for my fix of feedback from my buddies. Part of it too is simply my state of mind and my perception of the situation. I am feeling rather strange, strangely aware that I am a prisoner in my own home being held hostage by this terrible illness. I am beginning to feel weird about being so blatantly honest and I think that I will end this now. Besides, I think that writing so much about just me is really boring. Tomorrow is a new day and I look forward to seeing my "sonshine" again.


Felicity said...

As far as not getting comments on your last post, I know that Typepad has been down since Friday am. I know you don't use TP (haha, tp = typepad, not toilet paper! :-)) but a lot of us do and it's ben troublesome. My link to your page was missing.
I think you are very brave and being a selfless, thoughtful Mom to put Griffin's well being first. I don't know if I could do that.
Hugs to you.

Suzanne said...

Hugs to you. Just try and take it day by day. I'm so happy that you were able to see Griffin and to talk to him on the phone. You can get through this. The two of you are in my thoughts.

Eileen said...

What I think when I read your last few entries is how one day when Griffin is older, he will be able to read and see what an amazingly selfless Mom he has. A Mom who has put him first before anything else. A Mom who is fighting a horrible illness, so that she can be all she can be for him. A Mom who will win this battle and will rejoin her son soon once she has taken more care of herself.

That is so wonderful that he spoke on the phone with you. Keep fighting and keep taking care of yourself!!!

Mom to Mr. Handsome said...

I'm so sorry that you are going through this. I know your son misses you, but it's so smart to get everything back in place emotionally and stability wise. Depression can be so debilitating. You both will be able to enjoy each other again once you have your meds worked out.I hope you feel better soon.

mommyguilt said...


I know what you mean about missing the comments, especially when you could really use them. You're doing the right thing, though. I know it must be so hard trying to balance everything....just balancing meds is hard enough, I'm sure, but trying to balance the rest of your life on top of that must be incredibly difficult also.

Don't worry about spilling your guts or talking all about you or depression, anxiety, autism, anything. That's why we're here. Without this forum to talk about ourselves, our troubles, and our joys, we'd all be stimming, too.

Lots of sunshine and hugs to you and your SONshine!

Kiralea Powell said...

Hi Lora

I know you will understand when i say i havnt red more of your blog as you would know i have been busy with finishing mine amongst dealing with 3 terrors at home. You have been a great help helping me set up my blog and i would like to say, you are not alone with your feelings of sadness and despair you feel at times. I my self have suffered depression and felt alone though for you it is much harder being on your own.
Throughout school i suffered with many issues and in the last few years it has become apparent i too was suffering from ADHD. My parents think i may be bipolar as well because my moods go from one extreme to another. I am adding all about this to my blog. Please dont ever feel you are boring anyone because this is what we are here for. To listen, read and share with each other how we are feeling and give one another support. You give your upmost best and that is the main important thing you have shared and shown us. Missing your SONshine is normal I miss my children when after one night at grandma & poppys house. When they come home i sometimes think can i send them back? Take care and remember all your feelings is normal. I think you are a inspiration to others who suffer from a mental illness. It can make our day to day coping mechanisms test the boundaries.

Take care and hugs to you and your beautiful SONshine.

Tina said...

Hi Lora,
I hope that you continue to feel better and I am thinking maybe the Wellbutrin is having a horrible side effect in you. Maybe it's something you just can't take. Maybe when you get your meds adjusted you will start to feel better too. Griffin is in good hands and he sounds happy too:) I love the photos of Griffin Lora, he is so darn cute!
Your friends,
Tina and K.C.

Laura said...

Isn't it nice to have an online village to help you in raising your child? I too appreciate the comments left by people on my blog. It is such a nice feeling to know that others are thinking of you. I am glad to hear that your meds seem to be helping a bit. I am wondering if my Wellbutrin is what is causing an increase in my anxiety - I only switched to it a few months ago, and I feel like I have been all over the map.

Please know that we are thinking of you and Griffin!