Single Moms Raising Autistic Sons


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Thursday, December 01, 2005

A Letter to Family and Friends for Holiday Gatherings

Dear Family and Friends was written for the purpose of it being sent to relatives and hosts of holiday gatherings who might need a crash course in what to expect from their guest with autism.

Dear Family and Friends:

I understand that we will be visiting each other for the holidays this year! Sometimes these visits can be very hard for me, but here is some information that might help our visit to be more successful. As you probably know, I am challenged by a hidden disability called Autism, or what some people refer to as a Pervasive Developmental Disorder (PDD). Autism/PDD is a neurodevelopmental disorder which makes it hard for me to understand the environment around me. I have barriers in my brain that you can't see, but which make it difficult for me to adapt to my surroundings. Sometimes I may seem rude and abrupt, but it is only because I have to try so hard to understand people and at the same time, make myself understood.

People with autism have different abilities: Some may not speak, some write beautiful poetry, others are whizzes in math (Albert Einstein was thought to be autistic), or may have difficulty making friends. We are all different and need various degrees of support. Sometimes when I am touched unexpectedly, it might feel painful and make me want to run away. I get easily frustrated, too. Being with lots of other people is like standing next to a moving freight train and trying to decide how and when to jump aboard. I feel frightened and confused a lot of the time. This is why I need to have things the same as much as possible. Once I learn how things happen, I can get by OK. But if something, anything, changes, then I have to re-learn the situation all over again! It is very hard.

When you try to talk to me, I often can't understand what you say because there is a lot of distraction around. I have to concentrate very hard to hear and understand one thing at a time. You might think I am ignoring you--I am not. Rather, I am hearing everything and not knowing what is most important to respond to. Holidays are exceptionally hard because there are so many different people, places, and things going on that are out of my ordinary realm. This may be fun and adventurous for most people, but for me, it's very hard work and can be extremely stressful. I often have to get away from all the commotion to calm down. It would be great if you had a private place set up to where I could retreat.

If I can not sit at the meal table, do not think I am misbehaved or that my parents have no control over me. Sitting in one place for even five minutes is often impossible for me. I feel so antsy and overwhelmed by all the smells, sounds, and people--I just have to get up and move about. Please don't hold up your meal for me--go on without me, and my parents will handle the situation the best way they know how. Eating in general is hard for me. If you understand that autism is a sensory processing disorder, it's no wonder eating is a problem! Think of all the senses involved with eating. Sight, smell, taste, touch, AND all the complicated mechanics that are involved. Chewing and swallowing is something that a lot of people with autism have trouble with. I am not being picky--I literally cannot eat certain foods as my sensory system and/or oral motor coordination are impaired.

Don't be disappointed If Mom hasn't dressed me in starch and bows. It's because she knows how much stiff and frilly clothes can drive me buggy! I have to feel comfortable in my clothes or I will just be miserable. When I go to someone else's house, I may appear bossy and controlling. In a sense, I am being controlling, because that is how I try to fit into the world around me (which is so hard to figure out!) Things have to be done in a wayI am familiar with or else I might get confused and frustrated. It doesn't mean you have to change the way you are doing things--just please be patient with me, and understanding of how I have to cope. Mom and Dad have no control over how my autism makes me feel inside.

People with autism often have little things that they do to help themselves feel more comfortable.The grown ups call it "self regulation," or "stimming'. I might rock, hum, flick my fingers, or any number of different things. I am not trying to be disruptive or weird. Again, I am doing what I have to do for my brain to adapt to your world. Sometimes I cannot stop myself from talking, singing, or doing an activity I enjoy. The grown-ups call this "perseverating" which is kinda like self regulation or stimming. I do this only because I have found something to occupy myself that makes me feel comfortable. Perseverative behaviors are good to a certain degree because they help me calm down. Please be respectful to my Mom and Dad if they let me "stim" for awhile as they know me best and what helps to calm me.

Remember that my Mom and Dad have to watch me much more closely than the average child. This is for my own safety, and preservation of your possessions. It hurts my parents' feelings to be criticized for being over protective, or condemned for not watching me close enough. They are human and have been given an assignment intended for saints. My parents are good people and need your support. Holidays are filled with sights, sounds, and smells. The average household is turned into a busy, frantic, festive place. Remember that this may be fun for you, but it's very hard work for me to conform. If I fall apart or act out in a way that you consider socially inappropriate, please remember that I don't possess the neurological system that is required to follow some social rules. I am a unique person--an interesting person. I will find my place at this celebration that is comfortable for us all, as long as you'll try to view the world through my eyes!

Author Unknown

5 comments:

The other me said...

I am so lucky to have made a group of friends who so understand my Isaac, they completely ignored him until he made it clear that he was feeling safe, in a few short months we have gone from hiding and turning his back to being right there in the front and playing with the kids.....it helps so much to make yourself imagine how they are feeling. You do need a thick skin though for all those times when someone talks to your beautiful, 'normal' looking child and then is treated to either a full on stare, or simply have him turn his back.

Tina said...

Oh I love this letter! Thank you so much for posting it Lora. It explains so much without the parents having to constantly explain their child to family/friends. I love your blog as you have so much valuable information here, thanks Lora:)

Rebekah Christine said...

Griffin and Lora - thank you for this blog and especially this post. I have read about 4 posts back and can't do much more right now. I found a link to Griffin's blog from our blog's history.

Since I don't see a email address for you let me quickly introduce myself. I am a daddy of a 4 year old (next week) who has been fighting inoperable cancer for 8 months and is currently not doing so well. 6 months before her cancer diagnosis she was diagnosed with Cerebral Palsy and their is evidence of autistic tendancies but we didnt get a chance to follow up on that before her cancer.

What you wrote to family and friends is perfect for us as well. I look forward to being able to read as emotions permit.

-Scott (Rebekah's Daddy)
www.HelpRebekah.com // rebekahspage.blogspot.com

Julie Julie Bo Boolie said...

Thank you for this.. it really helps those of us outside the disorder to know how to handle social situations with your beautiful children without anyone feeling bad. I appreciate it very much.

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